Still in the Details...

I am WAY overdue for an update!  Life has gotten easier in some ways, and harder in others.  Averie is getting so big and changing so much.  She's the one that makes me the saddest, because Jared would have absolutely loved her little personality and how busy she is.  He was always asking me to send him pictures and videos of the kids while he was at work.  Then he would reply, "Man, I miss those little stinkers!"  He loved our little kiddos.

I've adjusted to life without him, so in that way it's easier.  I can't imagine anything harder than the days that I was taking care of my four kids + my sick husband.  That's what pulled me through those first few months - the relief of Jared not being sick anymore.  But now the memories are coming back of our life pre-cancer.  So that's hard.  I've had people ask how often I miss him.  There's not really a how often, I feel like I just live my life, then sometimes I will hear a song or see something that will jog a memory and it's really hard, almost unbearable.  I don't miss him because I'm lonely, I miss him as a person.  I miss how funny he was, I miss how he was always up for a good time, I miss how he interacted with his family, I even miss how pesty he was.

I felt Jared's presence a lot the first couple months after he died.  Even though that is gone, I still have moments where I know he is still there and still cares about us.  He's still in the details.

When Jared died, I didn't feel broken or confused about what to do next.  I credit him 100% for that.  He had the hard conversations with me, and I'm SO grateful for that!  He told me what he wanted for me and the kids, and what his concerns were.  When his cancer came back, he told me that he wanted me to get married again...that he wanted the kids to have a dad.  At the time I broke down and didn't want to even think about him being gone.  But he knew that we were better off not being alone.  And he was so unselfish to not only want that for me, but to share that with me.  It still makes me emotional to think how hard that was for him to think about.  But it has absolutely helped me to move forward.  I've tried to think about what I would want for him if I was in his shoes... would I be jealous?  Would I want him to be with someone that wasn't as great as me? :)  But I realized that I would want him to be with someone that deserved him... someone that was fantastic that made him happy.  I would want the absolute BEST for him because he was such an amazing person.

I have been dating someone.  He's a guy that used to live in our neighborhood.  He has four kids.  He moved away after his wife passed away three years ago.  Jared knew and liked him.  He even went to his wife's funeral.  I've been really open with my kids.  I told them that dad wanted me to find someone and get married because he knew there were things that a man can do for them that I can't.  Not only that, but my kids need to grow up seeing what a marriage is.  So I told them I was dating him to see if he was good enough for us. :)  It's hard to know if Jared would approve.  But I've had some little experiences along the way.  I had a dream one night that Jared was alive and well, he knew I was dating him, and he was counseling me.  I remember I asked him, "Yeah, but what if it was you and you knew you were going to have 8 kids?" (I KNEW he would say he couldn't do it.)  But instead he was trying to ease my mind about it.  Another time I went to fill up the tank of gas for the lawn mower.  A guy walked across the gas station and insisted on helping me.  My son opened the door and for some reason said, "My dad died."  I was so embarrassed!  I knew it was going to create an awkward conversation!  But the guy told me that he had married a widow with four kids, and he started giving me lots of counsel on how to know if the new guy is the "right one."  The way that it all happened, I just KNEW that Jared had sent that guy over to talk to me!  He's become very creative in his ways to communicate with me.  So I know he's still there, even though we can't see him.  But it's been weird, different, and fun to date again.  Definitely more things to figure out, and the pressure that I need to be careful because I've got Jared's precious little ones that he has trusted me with.  I don't want to disappoint him.  But it's also nice to be able to be with someone that understands losing a spouse.

The kids and I went to Oregon in June.  It was Jared's dream vacation.  I tried to enjoy it extra for him.  We drove by the house he grew up in, and I realized that not only did that place have special memories for him, but that was also the place that we got engaged.  But of all the things we did, I think Jared would've been most proud of this... (pics coming soon - I can't get them to upload!)

Anyway, that's the past few months!

Widow

On February 2, 2009 I was doing a game on Facebook that was 25 Things About Me.  I wrote, "I worry about being a widow at a young age because of my husband's horrible diet that he refuses to change!"

 

When I read this it makes me sick.  At the time I wrote it, I do remember I was worried about Jared's diet.  Shortly after that he started to change his diet and became more healthy.  But when I said young age I was meaning 60s, maybe even 70s?  I still consider that a young widow.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think to myself this is the face of a widow?  It still sometimes doesn't seem real.  Widows are supposed to be elderly.  They are supposed to have grandkids.  A couple weeks ago I went to a Womens Session for Conference in our church.  I was by myself but the place was completely full of women.  They played a video of a couple that gets married, then it shows them with a little baby, then eventually it shows them as an old couple together.  At first it made me angry and I watched some of the women around me wiping away tears at how beautiful life is.  After the video I burst into tears.  That was supposed to be my life.  But as I have these moments of weakness, I realize that none of us are exempt from some of the hardships that life might throw at us.  I know women are left alone to raise their children.  I just never thought I would be one of them.

 

So as I live the reality of being a widow, I feel very inadequate in some things, but I also feel very blessed.  I finally paid off all of my medical bills that weren't supposed to be my responsibility.  But I hated that I never wanted to get my mail for fear of what was going to be in there.  I no longer have anxiety going to my mailbox!  I also spent months with no TV in my bedroom because I didn't know how to program the remote.  That was always Jared's job.  And I knew it took him a long time to figure it out.  Sometimes he was on the phone for hours with a technician.  I finally decided to try it.  I googled some answers and finally figured it out.  So I get to unwind in bed again watching my favorite shows.  That has actually made a huge difference.  I can't believe I went 5 months without that!  I'm also learning to enjoy things like edging the lawn - things I always considered to be a "man's job."  But there are times when things happen that I really just can't do on my own.  A couple nights ago we had a strong windstorm that was blowing my fence over.  It had already snapped one section of fence.  Two others were hanging and threatening to break my shrubs and trees, so I struggled to break them the other direction against the wind.  But the remaining fence didn't look good, and I was worried the whole thing was going to come down.  I called a neighbor, Brett, who came and braced it for the rest of the night.  The next day I had many guys in the neighborhood approach me offering to fix the fence.  The old posts have already been dug out, and supplies have been purchased.  A group is coming tonight to fix the fence.  In James 1:27 it says "to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction..."  As all of these neighbors came rushing to my aid, I was so extremely grateful for their help.  I'm so blessed to be surrounded by so many caring, good people.  But it musters up all of these feelings again at the reality that I AM THAT WIDOW that needs help, a 36-year-old widow with four little kids and my whole life still ahead of me.  AAAHHHH!

 

 

6 Months Gone

Dear Jared,

 

 

I can't believe 6 months have passed since we said goodbye.  Time has passed so quickly, which I guess is a good thing.  Today I've been reflecting on the past 6 months and things I know you would've liked to have been a part of. 

You would be so proud of our kids!  They are doing so well.  They are such happy kids, it makes it easy to smile.  Averie is getting so big!  She has turned into such a stinker!  I know you would be laughing with me at how she tries to pester those around her to get a reaction, then she's quick to give them a hug and tell them she's sorry.  She definitely takes after you!  She's talking a lot more now, and her little high-pitched voice is so cute.  Drew loves preschool.  I love dropping him off and watching his excitement.  He has a new best friend, Kai, and they get together quite a bit.  He is such a sweet boy.  He is constantly giving me hugs and telling me he loves me.  He makes sure to tell me he loves you, too.  He doesn't like to leave my side, which is a new thing.  He's probably worried I will leave him.  I'm sure he doesn't understand that you didn't want to leave him.  One day he will.  Jace is the one you were worried about the most, and I think he's the one you would be the most proud of.  He is such a responsible, well-behaved kid!  He misses talking sports with you like crazy.  Last night your dad came over and Jace said the prayer.  He gave such a sweet, mature prayer.  I think your dad was able to see the growth in him.  I have no doubt that you have a huge role in that.  Brynlee is still a rock.  She's a good example to her younger siblings, and she helps me out a lot.  I don't know if I could do this without her!  Because of her, I get my much-needed breaks.  I'm so grateful for that!  I am doing well.  I get reminders every now and then for how clueless I am with the stuff you always took care of.  Sometimes I wonder how I'm surviving!  I know you wanted me to be happy, so I'm trying to find happiness.  That is such a blessing and a gift I feel like you gave me.  I know you wanted me to move forward, and I'm so grateful you shared that with me.  Sometimes I feel a huge weight of responsibility because I know you wanted us to be happy and taken care of, so I always wonder if I'm making the right decisions.  I had a dream a couple weeks ago that you were counseling me.  I wondered if it was true counsel, or if it was just on my mind.  I'm sure you're trying to find ways to communicate with me.  It was good to see you healthy and yourself.  I hope I have more dreams like that.  The past couple days I've been looking out the kitchen window and I picture you driving up and getting out of the car.  Sometimes all of this just doesn't seem real.

Last month was the annual March Madness with all the guys.  I told them to be sure to watch for signs that you were with them.  I KNEW WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that you wouldn't miss it! :)  They told me they had a couple of experiences where they felt like you were there or at least aware.  And apparently Neil gambled a lot.  I'm sure you had something to do with that!

Today I was reading back to where our lives were a year ago.  I'm so grateful that cancer is no longer consuming both of us.  I'm so grateful that you don't have to struggle daily anymore, that you can joke, play ball, and do all those things that you wanted to do so bad for so long.  I'm grateful that you are now watching over us. 

I will always love you, and I will always be grateful for the wonderful memories we created.

Happy Birthday!

Last year I truly believed that Jared would be here today celebrating his 38th Birthday.  Sometimes I think it's good that we don't know everything. :)

 

We had a good celebration in his honor.  We made his favorite cake - lemon with rainbow chip frosting, and everyone who came to celebrate wrote him a little note that we attached to balloons and sent them off to him.  I really hope his mom is spoiling him rotten today for us!  I'm sure she's taking good care of him.

Happy Birthday, Jared!  We miss you!

Gone

Today I was listening to an old CD and it took me back to the first couple years of my marriage.  Life was so care-free.  We were about to have our first baby.  It's hard to fathom how my life went from that to where it is now.  I never imagined Jared would be gone from my life this soon...gone from his kids' lives without the chance to see who they would become.  He wanted that more than anything.  But he's gone.

Luckily I rarely have moments like I had today.  Mostly I just live my life.  But the more time goes on, the more I have psychological issues surface.  I've debated counseling, but I really feel like I'm doing well.  I think the feelings I have are normal.  The first thing was triggered by a nightmare.  I had a dream that as they were about to bury Jared's body, they noticed some signs of life, so they brought him back, but he was in his extremely dependent state.  All of the overwhelmed feelings came back, and then the guilt from feeling overwhelmed.  I think I've been burying a lot of guilt.  I remember when he was the most dependent thinking if I could do what I was doing for another 50 yrs, I would do it for him.  But I was so over my limit, there were days I wondered how I'd even handle another day.  And that's hard to feel like you can't care for your husband anymore.  It creates a lot of guilt.  I guess I share that because it's the truth of what happens in caring for someone under extreme stress for so long.  The second one I just realized recently.  In the hours before we found out Jared had cancer, I was truly happy.  We had a perfect day.  Jared went golfing, and I went to lunch with my friends.  Then we spent the afternoon at the park with the kids and neighbors.  Jared was playing football with Jace, and life was pretty much perfect.  Then he went to the ER and found out he had terminal cancer, and my happiness was shattered.  So now as I see glimpses of happiness again in my life, I have a subconscious worry that the rug is going to get pulled out from under me again.  I hope that time will alleviate these fears or anxieties some.  I'm confident it will.

 

Most of the times I get sad, I get sad for my kids.  I can handle what has happened to me.  But sometimes I feel like my kids deserved more than to have their dad taken from them.  That being said, my kids have been doing incredibly well.  I'm so proud of them!  When I went to Jace's parent/teacher conference a couple weeks ago, the teacher said that he is a completely different kid at school, and that he is doing SO well!  I'm sure my kids were under extreme stress with their dad constantly in and out of the hospital, and their mom juggling going back and forth to the hospital and trying to take care of them.  And they saw him have seizures.  I tried to play them off, but I was stressed, so I'm sure they were as well.  So I feel like we have a good, stable home now.  And I'm happy for that.  That's not to say that I don't think my kids might go through different waves of anger or grief.  I wouldn't doubt that each of them will go through periods of being angry in the future.  But I'm grateful for where they're at right now.  They're good kids.  The other day I asked Averie where her mom was, and she pointed to me.  Then I asked her where her dad was, and she said, "Don't know.  He's gone."  I wonder what is going on in her little brain.  She doesn't know that he would've given anything to stay with her, to watch her grow.  But she's right.  He's gone.

Treasure

One of my favorite movies of all time is "The Count of Monte Cristo."  Edmond Dantes spends years in prison for a crime he didn't commit, and after finally escaping he discovers a hidden treasure and has wealth beyond his wildest dreams.

 

I found my own little hidden treasure last night, only this one is priceless!

 

I had been told by several people that Jared needed to sit down and write letters to his children.  That was always in the plan.  But it didn't happen.  We thought he had more time.  We didn't know he would suddenly lose his ability to communicate.  So many excuses, but unfortunately it didn't happen.  And I've always regretted that.  I wish my kids had something written by their dad to know how much he loved them.  I obviously know how much he loved them, but that won't go very far 2, 10, 30 years from now...

 

Yesterday I was going to get rid of Jared's phone.  For some reason as I went to leave, I went to grab his phone, and I didn't. 

 

As a little side note, I've read a few near-death experience books lately, and they all say the same thing - that those on the other side have a lot more influence in our lives than we realize.  I've had a lot of CRAZY things happen since Jared's passing.  I've even made the comment that I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone.  I'm no longer a believer in chance.  And I don't believe that me not grabbing that phone to get rid of it was just chance.

 

Last night I was talking on the phone with my sister, and at the end of the conversation she mentioned something that her daughter had snapped a picture of off of Jared's phone.  It was a little note he had written to Averie.  I had NO IDEA.  I grabbed his phone and went to his notes, and sure enough, there was a letter he had started to write to Averie.  This is part of it:

 

"Averie,

My sweet sweet girl.  You are so precious and cute.  How I enjoy your sweet spirit...You are always into everything, with a motor that won't quit.  I love it.  Please follow the good example that your older brothers and sister have set for you.  You are loved!  I know you will grow up to be a real contributor to society.  Love your mommy.  She wants nothing but the best for you.  She loves you very much.  I love you too."

 

When did he write this?  Why did he stop with Averie?  Or why did he start with Averie?  Did he suddenly take a turn for the worse?  Or did he write others that got deleted by mistake?  Did he start with her because she is the one that will need this most?  Or is it because she is the one that will remember her daddy the least?

 

Whatever the reasons, one thing I know for certain is that this little note written from her daddy will be something Averie will treasure forever.

Coping

It's been interesting to watch how my kids each cope with the loss of their dad.  I guess I could add myself as well.  Whether we're doing it right or not, it's the only way we know.

 

The few days that Jared was on hospice, I had a social worker come and give me input on what to expect for the different kids.  I was surprised when she said that I will see changes in Averie.  I figured she is so young that she wouldn't be affected.  The social worker told me that even infants demonstrate reactions to loss. 

 

When she checked back with me a couple weeks ago, I told her that I thought as a whole we were doing pretty well.  She asked if Averie had separation anxiety, and I told her that she used to (before he died), and now she doesn't.

 

But these are the things I've noticed in each of the kids:

 

Averie (2) the past couple of weeks has started to panic at bedtime.  She wanted the light to be left on.  Then after a couple days of that, she panicked when I put her in the crib.  She was okay to sleep on the floor, she just didn't want to be in the crib.  My thought is that she is associating that crib with the casket.  She watched as they shut the casket.  She even said, "Bye-bye, dad!" as they shut it, then it was the last time she saw him.  But she can't verbalize the way she feels, so she's probably confused and scared.  So she's now upgraded to a big-girl bed.  She's been doing better, but she still has to have the light on.

 

Drew (4) was really confused at first.  Now he talks about his dad and the situation in a very matter-of-fact manner.  He makes really cute comments.  One day he said, "Mom, I bet when dad died he asked Jesus if he has a basketball hoop."  I told him I'm sure he did!  Another time he was doing something he shouldn't, and I told him to stop or it could kill him.  He said, "But if I die, Jesus will carry me to his house and I can see dad again.  That would be GREAT!"  I laughed.  It's probably the attitude that all of us should have about death.  I told him it would be great, but that I would miss him too much.  Then today I picked he and his friend up from pre-school, and I heard Drew say, "My dad died."  His friend said, "How did he die?"  Drew said, "He just got really sick and died."  His friend said, "So you don't have a dad anymore?"  Drew said, "Nope, but when I die I'll see him again."  I love that kid!  He makes me smile.  I have noticed that he seems to be a little more aggressive and deviant.  Usually if he gets in trouble, he stops because he doesn't like to make me mad.  Now he has an obsession with painting and coloring, and it usually ends up on something it shouldn't!  He promises it won't happen again, but does it every time.

 

Jace (8) was always the one that concerned me the most.  He's the only one I've seen cry.  I think he's bottling a lot.  He has definitely gotten more aggressive, especially with Drew, but I think he's really struggling with finding a connection with someone.  He's battling whether to stay loyal to his dad's sports teams, or to find someone else to cheer with.  He has always been a sports freak like his dad!  He's constantly telling me about a random game he just finished watching, and tries to tell me every little detail, and I don't really care!  But I try to listen because I know he really needs that.  I was even surprised when he told me a couple weeks ago I could get married again as long as it's to Dwyane Wade.  I told him I didn't think Jared would approve. :)  He just misses his sports buddy like crazy!  I think he's feeling the void more than any of the kids right now, which doesn't surprise me.

 

Brynlee (9) has been an absolute rock!  Her concern is more about me.  Last week was my birthday, and she was really worried about who was going to get me presents.  She made a list of special things she was going to do for my big day, and when I ran to the store a couple days before, she called me and asked if I'd be sure to buy the balloons, candles, cake, etc. so she could take care of me.  I am lucky to have her.  She's the one I haven't noticed much change in.  The truth is, I don't think any of my kids will realize what they don't have for a while.  And that makes me sad.

 

As far as myself, I'm not really sure where I'm at.  I don't feel Jared's presence as much as I used to, but I'm still doing okay.  I don't know if I'm in denial, or I just haven't fully realized the gravity of my situation.  I have moments of sadness where I miss him, and I let myself be sad for a minute, but I make myself get over it and move on.  I don't know if that's the right way to cope, but it's how I do it!  I've connected with some amazing people the past few weeks that have lost a spouse, and it's good to have a support group.  One of them told me, "I never felt so low that I didn't feel God's love."  I could say the same.  So I feel very blessed that way.  And we've all had little things happen that we know Jared had a hand in!  I still feel like the veil is thin right now, so I'm trying to soak it in as much as possible.  I know it probably won't last, but I hope it does!  It's nice to feel like we have a guardian angel who is completely invested in our well-being.  I know he is helping me along.

Reflection

A couple months ago, I was having a bad day, and I told Jared that I was worried I was going to get depressed when he was gone.  He said, "You'll be fine.  That's not the kind of person you are."  Those words keep ringing in my ear, and actually help me to try to push through.  I think he would be proud of me.  Well, of all of us.  The kids have been amazing!  They have really stepped up to the plate.  And we've grown so much as a family in this short time. 

I've been trying to stay busy, and I try not to think too much.  The kids give me a huge advantage.  They keep me really busy.  That is REALLY nice!  I also try to go to the gym as much as possible.  That has helped a lot.  There was one day I went to the gym in tears, and after the workout I left feeling okay.  I think the Zoloft is helping as well.  I haven't taken Xanax in almost 3 weeks.  I'm down to 3 pills so I need to use them wisely!!

There are a few observations I've made that I want to share.  I really expected that when Jared died, I would feel extreme loneliness.  I don't.  I feel like he's still with me, only in a different way.  I think the kids have felt his presence as well.  I think that's why they're doing so well. 

The last couple months of Jared's life, he started to get really emotional because he didn't want to leave us.  (Jared NEVER gets emotional, so it was probably the hardest part for me to experience.)  I've told myself that I will be okay once I know for certain he is happy in his "new life."  I know that may take a while for me to understand.  But the thought occurred to me about a week ago that if my biggest preoccupation right now is for him to be happy, wouldn't he want the same thing for me?  So I'm trying to be happy.  I know it won't be the same kind of happy as before, but I'm determined.  I know he would want that.  I try not to think about what my life should be or could be right now, that will drive me crazy.

 

As far as my daily load, it has been lightened dramatically!  I've tried not to think much about the last few months of Jared's life, because it was so hard, and it just wasn't him.  I wouldn't say I miss those days, but I am SOOOOO grateful for them!  I never thought I would say that.  I am so grateful that I got to take care of him that way.  He died knowing that I loved him unconditionally.  And that brings me a lot of peace now.

 

Another reason I'm doing so well is because I have the best support system anybody could possibly ask for!  I have been blown away by everybody - family, friends, neighbors, even people I don't know!  It has been incredible and overwhelming.  I know Jared would be grateful - he wanted us to be taken care of, and we are.  I honestly can't even start naming things because there's just too much.  We feel loved.

 

I won't pretend like I haven't had some rough moments.  It's been horrible cleaning out his stuff.  It's almost like you tell yourself they aren't gone because all of their stuff is still there.  But when you start getting rid of it, the fact the they're not coming back becomes a reality.  The worst one for me was taking all of his work stuff back to his office.  Especially his backpack that had his stuff he used everyday.  It's almost like that backpack became a symbol of my every-day life.  I would be making dinner, and I'd see him pull up in the driveway, the kids would run to greet him, and he'd get out in his nice work clothes and throw that backpack over his shoulder and give the kids a kiss.  That was my life for many years.  I won't get to experience that ever again.

The other thing I don't like is that I've only had a few dreams of him, but they've been nightmares.  Most of them are that we're at the hospital preparing for another brain surgery, and the anxiety that goes along with it.  I hope at some point those nightmares will turn to dreams of him pre-cancer.

I've also noticed that I have a hard time getting out of bed.  If it weren't for the kids needing to get to school, I'd honestly probably stay in bed until 10:30!  It probably doesn't help that Jared's sister, Janette, came and did a makeover to my room and made my bed twice as comfortable!!

If I were to look at my physical reflection in the mirror, I feel like I've aged fifteen years in the past two years.  But if I could look deeper, I would say my growth this past two years is immeasurable.  I have completely been changed by this whole experience, changed for the better.  A couple months after Jared was diagnosed, I was looking at pictures on his phone, and I came across a video of Brynlee's dance rehearsal that I had recorded a few months earlier.  As I watched it, I just wanted to go back in time to that moment, when life was so carefree.  But almost immediately I realized that I would also have to go back to the person I was in that moment, and I didn't want to.  I had already realized a couple months into this journey how much I had grown.  Jared had said the same thing many times.  Cancer had changed him.  It made him a better person.  He had even gone as far as to say he was grateful for it.  As I think of my life right now, in this moment, I feel like cancer completely ruined my life, but it has also made me the person I am now.  And I don't know if I'd change that.  The only thing I can think to compare it to is the church mission I served many years ago.  It was such a hard 18 months, I don't think I could do it again, but I will forever be grateful for that time in my life because of who it made me become.  I could say the same thing about the past two years.  I obviously wish there was another way to grow, one that didn't take my husband away from me and my kids.

I love this picture of Jared.  This was taken about a month before all the craziness.  He was probably in the best shape of his life.  He looks so happy and confident.  When he passed away, he was 50 lbs. lighter and had a huge gaping incision that covered his entire scalp and came across his forehead.  He couldn't walk on his own, and he had a titanium plate replacing part of his skull.  We believe that after we die we will return to our most perfect form.  This is how I picture him to look when I see him again, and if he has a lot of hair, I might have to take some clippers to it! :)

Fair Warning

I was warned that Jared's death would be harder than I could've ever imagined.  I thought I was prepared.  Well, I was wrong.

The first week was actually pretty easy.  Surprisingly easy.  I was so consumed with preparations for the funeral that I was exhaustingly busy.  And we had so much family around all the time that there was never a dull moment.  Not only that, but I had such a feeling of comfort all the time, I knew Jared must have been close by.  I expected to cry myself to sleep, but my bed supplied the most peace of all.  I also felt like he was helping me with decisions, as crazy as that sounds.

One decision that I know he helped me to make was where to bury him.  This was the one huge question I had always had.  I didn't ever ask him.  I was hoping he would bring it up.  After his passing, the only thing that made sense to me was to bury him in the same cemetery as his mom, in Providence, UT.  It is only about 10 miles from my parents' house, and I knew we could go up there every month or two.  My mom, my sister, and I drove up there last Tuesday to pick out a plot.  I woke up with a huge headache, but I knew it needed to be done.  We finally made it to the cemetery after lunch and began looking at what they had available.  It was awful!  There weren't any trees, and there weren't many gravestones around.  It just seemed to be completely isolated.  And it wasn't anywhere near his mom's grave.  I was pushing the horrible feeling I had aside.  I even asked the guy if I could change plots, thinking that would make me feel better, but it didn't.  As we drove to the city building to pay for it, I just felt sick to my stomach.  I was telling myself it was because it was so expensive for such an undesirable location (knowing that the price wasn't ever an issue).  So I paid for it and left with a pit in my stomach.  As we were leaving the valley, I started expressing doubt and my mom and sister insisted that I go check out the Logan Cemetery.  My dad owned quite a few plots there.  Apparently he had been bugging my mom for days to have me check them out, but nobody wanted to say anything because I was so insistent on Providence.  When I saw the spot in the Logan Cemetery, I just KNEW that was the place.  It was a beautiful, shaded area in a beautiful cemetery.  And he wasn't alone!  We had to call the Providence Cemetery to cancel my payment, and made some last-second phone calls to the mortuary and the newspaper to change the obituary.  But it felt right.  I felt like I had a huge weight lifted, and my headache was gone.  My sister says my demeanor completely changed.  So Jared was definitely trying to voice his opinion!!  He will get a lot of love where he's buried - my dad walks through there every day on his way to work, and my mom goes there often.  And it's so close to my parents' house, the kids will be able to go there a lot when we visit family in Logan.

 

On Thursday Jared's brothers, his dad, his friend Brent, and I went to get Jared ready for the viewing.  He looked great!  When he passed away his forehead had a large gaping incision from the most recent surgery that hadn't healed up very well, and they had completely covered it so that it wasn't noticeable.  He looked so much better.  We were all very pleased.  His family had mentioned that there was a special feeling in the room, like his presence was there.  I told them that I didn't feel any different, that the special feeling they felt had been with me consistently since his passing.

 

Later that afternoon my brother told me he had a surprise for me.  He had written to the University of Oregon Athletic Department, and the football team sent my family a game jersey signed by the head coach.  We also received the 2013-14 basketball team shoes, custom-made in Jared's size, along with a basketball signed by the entire team.  What a great keepsake for my boys!  And what a great organization for taking the time to do that for my family!  Jared would be very proud of his Ducks!

 

The viewing and funeral went as well as I could've possibly expected.  We had decided to close the casket the night before the funeral.  I wanted to be able to take our time saying our goodbyes, rather than being rushed right before the funeral.  I'm happy we did it that way.  Brynlee made a book of memories to be buried with her dad, Jace wrote him a letter, and Drew made him the cutest little picture of the two of them holding hands.  I kept a copy of all of it for the kids to keep forever.  We also buried Jared in a Ducks bracelet, and all of us have a matching bracelet.

 

The funeral was very fitting for Jared, full of funny stories.  I didn't have Brynlee on the program, but she insisted that she wanted to talk.  I'm glad she did.  She shared memories that I had forgotten about.  Her talk was very sweet.

 

After the service and a quick lunch, we headed to Logan to the gravesite.  My dad offered the dedicatory prayer on the grave, and that was it.  Right after we left, they buried him.  That part was really hard for me.  I keep having to tell myself that it's just his body that is buried, but his spirit lives on.  It's hard to think I was just with him, breathing, just a few days ago, and now that same body is underground.

 

Sunday night we came home... home to reality.  And it hit HARD.  Sunday night I was having a hard time, and as I tucked Jace in bed, Jace started to cry.  I felt so bad.  I told him that I missed Jared, too, and that after I left, I wanted him to pay close attention to the way he felt, that he would notice a really peaceful feeling come over him.  (It had been that way for me, so I knew that same comfort must be there for the kids as well.)  Monday morning he told me that I was right.

 

Yesterday (Monday) was absolutely awful.  I started having all the feelings that I had been warned about - angry at Jared for leaving me (which surprised me), overwhelmed at the road ahead of me, mad that my kids are left without their dad, extreme loneliness, pretty much complete despair.  But it was weird - until now I'd never experienced complete depression and comfort at the same time.  I still had that element of peace, but overall I would sum up the day as unbearable.  And I was so upset that I didn't care to see or talk to anybody.  Jared's dad came over with his friend, Rex.  Rex lost his wife 4 months ago.  And although I was resistant to seeing him, I was SO glad he came and talked to me.  I was fighting tears the whole conversation, but he gave me hope that things might actually at some point get better.  He told me that the first month was absolutely unbearable, so bad that he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy.  But he said it slowly gets better.  He said that right now he's not exactly happy yet, but at least it's bearable.  As horrible as that sounds, I'm really looking forward to bearable.  What I'm living right now is awful.  Even though Jared was so bad off at the end, and couldn't communicate, at least he could show me he cared by tickling my back or playing with my hair.  I miss that.  I just flat out miss him like crazy.  I really hope this gets easier.

 

Jared's friends that traveled from Oregon.  It was so good to finally meet some
of his buddies from high school that I've heard countless stories about!

 

 

Transition

Jared decided it was time to leave us on Friday, October 18th. 

Thursday night his breathing was much more labored, and in the night I started hearing the rattling sound in his throat, so I knew it would be soon.  I didn't sleep much Thursday night.  Friday morning Jared's sister texted me and asked if Jared was doing the same, or if he was getting worse.  I told her I thought he could pass at any time.  Within a few minutes, most of Jared's family was at my home.  My parents were both there, and my sister and her husband showed up as well.  We had a big group.  The hospice nurse came at 11:00 and checked his vitals.  His heart rate had gone from 120 on Thursday to 24.  So we knew his body was shutting down.  She told us she thought it would be that night or the next morning.  But he went quick.  He passed away a little before 1:00pm, with his sister at his side holding his hand.  We all feel that it was no coincidence that he passed away exactly five years after his mom.  We believe that was her way of showing us she was involved in helping him make the transition.

All of the kids were gone but Drew.  He came home from preschool at 11:00 and he stayed downstairs watching cartoons.  That was a huge blessing not to have any of the kids near.

I had Drew come and give him one last kiss.  He obviously didn't know what was going on. 

I really debated whether to bring the older kids home from school before they took his body.  As he started losing color, I decided not to because I didn't want them to be traumatized.  He didn't look good.  Jared's sister, Marianne, offered a prayer after he passed, and blessed me to know what to do regarding the children.  A little while later I just knew they needed to at least be given the choice.  Jace had been really worried a couple days earlier that Jared was going to die while he was at school, and I knew it would be hard for them if I just brought them home from school telling them that their dad had died, and he was gone.  As I left to go pick them up, my dad grabbed my arm and said, "Leslee, don't tell them he's dead.  Tell them he's dying."  I'm SO grateful for that!  When I picked them up, I told them that we knew dad was about to die, and that I wanted to give them the chance to say goodbye before they took him away.  I warned them that as the body dies, it changes color, and told them he would look very sick and pale.  I told them they didn't have to see him.  They both chose to give him a kiss.  His body was still pretty warm.  My sister-in-law took them to her house afterward so they didn't have to watch his body being taken away.  I truly believe that Marianne's prayer made all the difference.  I feel very at peace with how everything was handled.  And I think my kids had the appropriate closure.  They seem to be doing very well.  Even Jace.

I will always have sweet little memories of my little kids with their dad in his final days.  The last few days before he became bed-ridden, Averie insisted on helping me whenever Jared walked anywhere.  I would hold his left arm, and Averie would run over and grab his right hand.  She would always say, "Help daddy."  It actually made it hard for Jared to walk, and he would try not to trip over her, but I didn't have the heart to tell her no.  It was so sweet.  She wanted to help her daddy.

The day before Jared passed away, Drew went to show daddy his sticker, and he kept trying to wake him up because he really wanted him to see it.  I told Drew to give daddy a little kiss.  He said, "Will that make him wake up?"  I wish, buddy, I wish.  Drew was always making his daddy laugh, and I'm sure Jared would've loved to see his sticker.

 

I should also add that my sister's husband was so sweet to drive down from Logan after my discussion with Jace.  He spent the day with him.  Nick's dad died in a tragic work accident when he was 8, and Nick was the oldest of four kids.  He was the perfect person for Jace to open up to.  He said that Jace's main concerns were that Jared was going to forget him, or that he would forget Jared.  I think it helped Jace to hear about Nick's experience and to know that Nick hasn't forgotten his dad.

Since Jared's passing, we've been reminiscing about how funny he was.  And I've been going through pictures.  I think I had forgotten what a fun person he used to be before cancer.  I'm remembering fun things he used to do with the kids, things I had forgotten about.  His passing has allowed me to do that.  He's no longer stricken with cancer.  I think that's why I've been so at peace.  He is now himself again.  And I'm so happy for him! 

Brynlee's question the other day has gotten me thinking.  I've never really given deep consideration as to why Jared got cancer, but I needed to figure it out to be able to give my kids an honest, well thought-out answer.

 

For some reason this past few days of thinking, and reading thoughts and comments from those who knew him, that answer suddenly became pretty clear.

 

Jared had lived such a good, decent life, that our Heavenly Father knew he could trust Jared to be a tool to influence others' lives for good by going through these past two years, and handling it with such dignity, grace, courage, and humor.  Jared taught me a lot through his battle.

 

Jared never complained.  He would get REALLY frustrated with his lack of ability, but he never complained.  When I talked to him about it a couple months ago, he said he learned from his Grandpa (who died of lung cancer) that you "take it like a man, and you don't complain."

 

He also proved that addiction can be overcome.  He was on steroids for 9 months.  His body became completely dependent on them.  And he HATED that.  He hated feeling addicted to something.  So he was determined to get off of them.  It took MONTHS of struggle and determination, but he did it.  His doctors were amazed.  They said that most people aren't willing to deal with the horrible side effects of getting off of them.  But he did it.  I remember one day in particular that he was suffering horrible side effects from tapering, and we took the kids to Hogle Zoo.  He had to sit and rest every few minutes because it was so hard for him.  He could've taken more steroids that day and felt great, but he was determined. 

 

I also loved that he joked about his cancer.  If he forgot something or couldn't come up with an answer, he would blame it on the brain tumor.  He also told me that one time at work, a guy from the FDIC was telling a story, and said that somebody had...  and then he didn't finish the sentence, so Jared figured out that he was afraid to say the word cancer around him.  He said it was so awkward!  Jared never understood why people would tip-toe around the subject.  He didn't let cancer define who he was.

 

I've also realized that the reason I've been able to endure this trial well was because HE did... period. 

 

If the whole purpose of life is to endure to the end well, Jared endured like a champ!  What a wonderful legacy he left for me and the kids, and I'm so grateful for that!

 

I take such comfort in knowing what a good person he was.  And I wasn't afraid of his death.  And that's the greatest gift he could've possibly given me.  I think there's a huge lesson to be learned there, too, for all of us.

It's Time...

I kept dragging my feet on Hospice, but it's official.

 

Friday I knew Jared wasn't doing well.  I felt like he probably needed Hospice, but I felt such a huge sense of guilt in making the decision.  I felt like I was choosing to kill him.  That's not a feeling you understand unless you've lived it.  I finally decided to text all of his family so they could ease my burden.  The feedback was that they supported my decision 100%, and that they felt I couldn't keep doing what I was doing.  So that made me feel better, but I was still dragging my feet.  My mom took most of my kids home for the weekend, so I felt like I could focus my attention completely on Jared and his needs for the weekend.  So I held off.  Saturday I called my new friend, Diane, who I met through Jared's sister.  Her husband died of brain cancer five years ago.  It was so good to talk to someone who's been in my shoes.  She really helped me with decision-making and gave me a lot of advice.

 

Saturday night Jared was up all night long, wide awake, and really fidgety.  And he kept making this deep hiccup sound that I could tell was painful.  I didn't sleep at all.  Sunday morning he really seemed to be suffering.  He has a really difficult time communicating now.  I have to get right in his face and ask things a couple times before I get a response.  He just seems gone.  I asked if he was suffering, and he nodded.  After a few questions, I found out that he felt a lot of pressure in his head.  That was the moment that I realized things were out of my hands, and that by not putting him on hospice I was actually making him suffer.  So I gave him Percocet to make it through the day.

 

I had Brynlee home alone, and knew I needed to talk to her about the situation.  I really wanted to talk to my kids separate so I could address individual needs.  Brynlee was shocked.  (Up until now, my kids have actually been doing really well.  They didn't understand the situation because their dad has been in and out of the hospital a lot, but mostly because of other issues - infections, blood clots, etc.)  She asked me if there was any chance at all that he could be around in a year.  I said, "Yes, there's a chance.  But that would be a miracle."  Later that night she told me she believed in miracles.  I told her that I did, too, but that if we didn't get one, we'd be okay.  The other thing she asked that broke my heart was, "Mom, why did Jesus give dad cancer?  Is it because he was bad?"  I'm glad she asked, because I don't want my kids ever thinking that and not having that question addressed.  She was very sweet, and I think she'll be okay.  She has a very mature understanding.  I told her I was very proud of her for the way she's handled these past two horrible years.

 

Monday morning I talked to Jared and told him that I really thought he needed to have a nurse come to give him his pills through an IV, and I wanted to get him some morphine for relief.  He agreed.  I also told him about my conversation with Brynlee.  He doesn't seem all there, but I knew he understood because he got teary-eyed.  That afternoon I called hospice.  I broke down on the phone.  It's not an easy call to make.  The nurse came out that afternoon and mostly just inserted a catheter.  After she left, I was trying to talk to Jared and he got this horrible look on his face.  I asked what was wrong - he seemed to be in a lot of pain.  A minute later I turned around to see that Averie had yanked out his catheter!!!  I felt SO bad!  Jared and Averie are just not a great mix right now.

 

Today has been the worst day of all.  He looks absolutely miserable.  When he's awake, his eyes are barely open.  I have to get right in his face to talk to him, and most of the time I don't get any response.  Now that he has his morphine he's been sleeping and looks much more peaceful.  They also gave him Ativan.  They said that once your body starts shutting down, you start to panic.  It's an anti-anxiety medication to help relax him.  He looks a lot more comfortable now, so I'm happy for that.

 

Today I took Jace for a drive and broke the news to him.  He had a really hard time and cried a lot.  Tonight he seemed to be doing a little better, but I just feel so bad for him.  Jared is his best friend in the whole world. 

 

I've survived this past few days completely and totally thanks to Xanax.  Without it I would've been a total mess.

 

At this point I've been told mixed things.  I've heard that he's gone downhill so quickly that he could go really fast, but I've also heard that his vital signs are still strong, so it could be a couple weeks.  Either way, days are numbered.  It could be tonight, or it could be days.  I think everybody who has seen him the past two days all feel the same way - the quicker the better.  He's suffering.  And it's awful to watch.

 

Today is officially the two-year anniversary of his diagnosis.  We should be celebrating, but it's hard to celebrate when he's slipping quickly before my eyes. 

 

Survival

Last night I had a nightmare.  I was in a dirty hospital and a nurse kept injecting something into an IV in my arm that was making me weak and groggy.  I was completely aware and terrified of what was happening, and I kept trying to escape, but the nurse kept finding out and catching me because I was so slow and weak.  Then she would inject more debilitating serum.  It was taking over my whole body.  It was awful!  I think that must be how Jared feels.  Luckily I woke up and the nightmare was over.  For him, it's reality.  I can't even imagine.

 

I can't believe 3 weeks have passed already.  The days have been REALLY long, but somehow we're surviving.

 

I should probably start where I ended off last time.  It became clear pretty fast that Jared wasn't being defiant when he wasn't asking for help, he was either forgetting to ask, or he just flat out couldn't figure out how to ask.  I even had him practice yelling my name.  He can do it in that moment, but two minutes later he doesn't remember.  So you can't really be mad at someone for what they can't do.  But it doesn't mean it's not stressful!

 

His first night home he tried to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  I quickly jumped up to help him.  At night he takes a sleeping pill, and he can't walk AT ALL.  Without help, he would definitely be flat within a couple steps.  In fact, even with my help he is really wobbly.  We've had a couple of near-falls.  His first night home was when I had my first official panic attack where I felt like I just couldn't cope with anything.  And it was a really scary feeling.  I realized that I had to go on medication.  I have been fighting it for months, knowing I probably should, but there was a part of me that felt like a failure having to go on anxiety meds.  But at that moment I realized I didn't have a choice.  I can't fall apart when four kids are involved.  I went to see my doctor a few days later, and we've decided on a 6-month Zoloft plan, and hopefully I won't need it after that.  They also gave me Xanax until the Zoloft kicks in completely.  That first few days before getting on the medicine I felt myself getting panicked over a lot, stuff that wouldn't normally effect me. 

 

Both my doctor and Jared's oncologist said that they can't believe I waited this long to get on something.  I told Jared's doctor that looking back, and now that I understand how the body works, I should've done this back in January when I originally started getting headaches, dizziness, chest pains, etc.  He said, "Would've, should've, could've - maybe you can use your example and experience to help others."  So that's what I'm doing.  I have been feeling a little better, but it makes me tired.

 

This past few weeks I feel like I'm taking care of a stranger, yet when I look in his eyes he's still in there somewhere.  That's the hardest part for me - that it's him, but it's not him. 

 

He has been able to get out and try to enjoy life as much as possible, but just doesn't seem to care much about anything.  Or maybe it's just that he can't express himself.  Jace had an incredible season in football, scoring 12 touchdowns in 7 games.  Jared normally would've been a very proud dad, but the games he went to, he just watched quietly and didn't say a word, didn't cheer, nothing.  I think he enjoys it, but it makes him sad.  And the other night I officially knew he wasn't in his right mind when Neil came over and asked if he had been watching the Ducks game, and he hadn't.  That is unheard of!!!  (If you remember, he was demanding the game to be turned on just minutes after coming out of his first, 8-hour brain surgery!)

 

 

He says about 10 words a day, mostly yes and no, and most of the time he'll shake his head no while he says "yes" or vice-versa.  So I have to figure out the true response.  And even if I give him options, I keep repeating the options, and then ultimately I have to give each individual option and he'll respond yes or no.  He also whispers a lot.

 

Somehow, miraculously, we've avoided falls up until last night.  And after last night's fall, I've realized that if he's going down, he's going down.  There's no way for me to stop it.  Luckily he wasn't close to anything to smack his head.  He was close to the bed, so after about 15 minutes of struggle I was able to get him back in bed, but I was about to give up and make him sleep the rest of the night on the floor.  I'm definitely starting to worry about his safety, as well as my own.

 

A couple weeks ago we met with the oncologist.  He showed us the "concerning" MRI, and explained that most of his speech issues and lack of cognitive ability is due to tumor (I had thought it was from swelling).  He says that we will keep going with Avastin and do another MRI at the end of October.  If it seems to be working and maintaining his quality of life, we keep going.  If he starts to digress, we stop and basically give up.

 

This past few days I've noticed some slow digression.  Today he was scheduled for another Avastin treatment, but he said he felt too loopy and weak and didn't want to go.  So I re-scheduled for Monday.  I definitely have an internal struggle right now.  I feel a huge weight of responsibility.  In his warped mental state right now, he is content.  But the "real Jared" would be absolutely horrified and humiliated if he could see himself.  He always joked that if it got bad, he wanted me to strap him into a wheelchair and push him off a cliff.  But now it's bad, and he wants to live.  So who do I honor?  The "real Jared?" or the "warped-mental-state Jared?"  I've been sick to my stomach the past couple days trying to figure it out.

Definitely some hard decisions to be made soon.

Rehab Rollercoaster

Rehab definitely had it's ups and downs.  Overall I think we left today with a good taste in ours mouths.

 

Things were going pretty well until Sunday.  I got there and his room was clean and empty.  I asked the nurse what happened to the patient in the room, and she had a serious look on her face and said she needed to talk to me.  I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat.

 

She said that Jared had been really defiant all night, getting up without using his call button for help, and it kept setting the bed alarm off.  Then, that morning he kept saying he wanted to go home and he was acting upset.  So they had to move him to a shared room that had 24-hr supervision. 

 

That didn't make any sense to me.  I had been with him the night before and he seemed fine.  When I got to his new room, I immediately saw his roommate (who I guessed to be about 80-yrs-old), and then I saw Jared.  I wish I could've caught the look on his face on camera.  Let's just say he did not look happy!

 

Jared's brother got there right after me, and we both agreed that this arrangement just wasn't going to work.  So we tried to talk to the head nurse.  He again told us what had happened (I should add that they hadn't said a word to Jared, they just wheeled him off to another room with no explanation).  He made it sound like Jared was trying to break out of the place.  Jared said, "No, that's not it."  He was trying to explain what happened, but had a hard time because he still has a hard time getting out what he's trying to say.  Basically he was trying to tell his nurse he was wanting to get back to his bed, but he was saying home instead of bed.  He was saying it wrong, and getting upset because they weren't understanding what he was trying to say.  What a bunch of idiots!  He's in their facility for speech issues and they're punishing him for it!  They wouldn't budge on putting him back.  They said he had to use his call button for at least 24 hours before they would consider getting him his own room again. 

 

We spent the afternoon in the main commons area.  We watched a football game while those around us were playing cards and dominoes.  I tried to catch a picture, but it wasn't great.  I felt like I was in a nursing home.  It was so depressing that I started to laugh.  I couldn't believe it!

That night I told him if he had a hard time sleeping he needed to demand earplugs (knowing he probably wouldn't know how to ask for earplugs).  So I went to the hospital on Monday expecting to have to fight for his own room back, and keeping my fingers crossed that he was compliant!

 

When I got there, I was shocked that he was actually really happy and said that his roommate was a cool guy!  He said he didn't care to have his own room.  In fact, he didn't even have the curtain closed for privacy.  It was one big party! 

 

I spent Monday in rehab with him.  They told me if I came and worked with him in rehab it would speed up the process getting him home because we would all be on the same page and they could address my concerns.  They taught me how to help him up and down the stairs, something I don't plan to do anytime soon!  I'm supposed to stand below him and hold on to his belt when he goes down the stairs.  They said if I'm standing right, I will be able to sustain his weight if he starts falling down the stairs.  I don't dare to even try to see if they're right.  We also went for a long walk, and they showed me how to hold onto his belt to get the most support.  Jared said he felt like I was walking my dog.  He doesn't like any of this very much.

 

That afternoon I got to know his roommate and family.  They're from Cache Valley, so we had that in common.  They were very nice people.  The man had a stroke a week earlier and had lived a very active lifestyle before that point.  In fact, his wife said if he didn't make it snow skiing this winter, it would just about kill him!  He's now my new hero - 78 and still skiing - what a stud!  And he must have been about the most social 78-yr-old in Cache Valley because he had nonstop visitors!  I actually left that night feeling like Jared had support while I wasn't there, which was nice.  They seemed to take good care of Jared.

 

Yesterday when I got to the hospital, Cheryl (the roommate's wife) told me she had a really cute picture to show me of the two boys.  When I saw the picture, I told her that Jared had the same shirt as her husband.  Long story short, the dumb nurse put Jared's clothes on his roommate!  My brother came to visit right after I saw the picture, and we were both laughing hysterically!  I still get a good laugh every time I look at the picture.

Today they released him to come home.  He was more than ready to be back home.  He's been in the hospital for 2 weeks.  I was actually sad as I gave Cheryl a hug goodbye.  It seems like you bond quickly with others that are going through similar struggles, regardless of age.

 

So he's home.  I've already given the full lecture on him needing to call me EVERY TIME he gets up.  So far, not so good.  So one stressful situation ends, and a new one begins.  Our big decision now is this:  If we use home health care, they don't do much and he is confined to being home, meaning he can't go to family BBQs, football games, activities, NOTHING.  The other option would be not to have any help at all, but I am REALLY OVERWHELMED by that option.  The third is to have hospice, and they do much more, and he has freedom to go wherever he wants, but insurance won't cover it unless we agree to stop all treatments.  I'm not happy with any of the three options, so I'm not quite sure what we're going to do.

"Angry Mode"

Back in April, I took Jared to get an MRI prior to his surgery.  We started walking in the general area of the rehab facility, and we both said that it gave us the creeps.  We both said we couldn't handle walking through there again, even if it was just to reminisce about old times.  So when I say that he's back there now, you know times are pretty desperate! 

So much to say here, and a lot of awful moments to relive...

 

Jared wasn't recovering very well from this surgery.  They kept him in the hospital a day longer than anticipated because his drain was draining more than they wanted, and he was really nauseated this time.  When he finally did come home, I was a little nervous that he wasn't doing well but I was just glad to have him back home after spending 10 days in the hospital.  And I was really frustrated with the whole situation.  I started wondering if we were over-treating him.  It seems like every time we go to the hospital, they do way more than he can handle.  And he HATES the hospital.  He gets depressed spending so much time there.  So I had made the decision that we were done with that place.  I think he felt the same way.  Right before surgery he was feeling the best he had in a while, and after surgery he was horrible.

 

He was once again given a PICC line with heavy antibiotics, so we knew he wasn't going to feel well for a couple weeks.  The night he got home, he started having seizures.  I wasn't too worried until the next day when they continued.  Usually he will have one, maybe two in one day, but that is extremely rare.  But he started having a LOT of them.  That first full day home he probably had 8 seizures.  I kept asking if he wanted me to call the doctor, and he said no.  We both knew if we called the doctor, they were going to send us straight back to the hospital.  So we decided to adjust his medications a little to see if we could get them to go away.  The next day he continued to have seizures.  He probably had about 10 that next day.  I was a wreck because I didn't know what to do.  I didn't want to drop the ball on his care, but I didn't want to send him back!  He wanted to be home.  So the following day I called his doctor and told him we did not want to go back to the hospital.  He said he thought his brain was probably just going through trauma from the surgery, and he expected them to go away.  He told us to get some labs drawn at a local hospital to make sure the antibiotics weren't throwing off the anti-seizure pills.  He also told us to give him another pill that relaxes the body.  He thought it would at least make the seizures less frequent or decrease the strength.  So once he started taking those pills, the seizures stopped altogether.  The pills make him completely out of it.  So I knew for a couple days he would probably sleep all day, which he did.  But at least the seizures stopped.

 

Over the next few days he just didn't seem to be getting better.  In fact, he seemed to be declining.  I also noticed that his face was drooping on one side and he had lost all movement in his right arm.  He also started jumbling and slurring his words.  So I thought he must have had a stroke at some point.  His face and speech eventually recovered.  I started getting worried that he just wasn't going to pull through the effects of this surgery.  Usually a week after this type of surgery he's doing pretty good.

 

Last week was probably the worst, most stressful week of my life.  On Monday he was doing horribly, but Tuesday he seemed to be doing quite a bit better.  Wednesday he wasn't doing well at all.  He threw up in the middle of the night, and then again at his MRI.  He wasn't talking much, and just seemed "off."  I knew we had an appointment with his doctor the following day (Thurs), so I figured he could address our concerns.  Wednesday night at about 9pm I woke him up to go to the bathroom for the night.  He seemed really tired, and when I helped him sit up, he fell back on the bed.  I gave him a few more minutes to wake up, then I tried again.  He finally got to the point that he attempted to stand up, but immediately collapsed on the floor.  And he had a completely blank look.  I called a neighbor to come help me get him back in bed.  A couple other neighbors showed up to help.  One of them is a firefighter and reminded me that I needed to make sure he took his pills for the night, and that if he started having seizures during the night I probably needed to call an ambulance.  After they left he seemed like he had perked up a little, so I tried to get him to take his pills.  I cut them up in smaller pieces so he'd have an easier time swallowing.  He barely got the first one down, so I decided just to give him the most important pills, but on the second pill, he choked and threw up everywhere.  At that point I truly thought he wasn't going to make it through the night.  I was there the night that his mother died, and he was showing a lot of the same signs.  So I tried to make him as comfortable as possible by cleaning him up the best I could, then I got a towel and tried to lift him up to stick the towel under him.

 

I told the kids that dad wasn't feeling well, and had them give him a kiss and tell him they loved him to help him feel better.  I tried not to be dramatic.  I didn't want them to panic. 

 

That was a long night.  I didn't sleep much.

 

The next morning came.  I called his doctor and explained the situation and told him I didn't think there was any way I could get him to the appointment.  He said I needed to take him to the ER.  I told him that I didn't want Jared to die in the hospital.  I wanted him to be at home with his family.  He said he understood, but that Jared needed to be assessed so that they could make some decisions.  Three neighbors came over and carried Jared to the car, and I drove him to the ER.  He was alert, and seemed to understand everything I said, but he couldn't say much.  Basically just yes and no.

After being in the ER a few minutes, a lady came in and told us they were getting ready to transfer him to his room.  I told her we didn't want that, and asked why they were hospitalizing him!  She thought that the doctors had come and talked to me to explain the situation, but they hadn't.  She basically said that his MRI was extremely concerning, to the point that they were putting him in the Neuro Critical Care Unit.  That was all I needed to hear to be okay with him being hospitalized, but I was really mad that if his MRI was "extremely concerning," why hadn't they called us immediately the day before?

I called the oncologist to see if he agreed with what they were doing, and asked if they had seen the MRI.  He said they had seen it, and that they agreed he needed to be in critical care.  He said that he knew it was concerning, but didn't know he was doing so horribly, otherwise they would've taken action earlier.  Basically the MRI showed that his brain had extreme swelling EVERYWHERE, which is why he was completely shutting down.

Later that afternoon the oncologist team came to see him in critical care to explain the situation.  There was extreme swelling, but also some new cancer activity.  Once again they expressed that they were surprised with how much activity in so little time.  (We seem to be getting that news a lot now.)  They were pumping him with sodium to pull some of the swelling from the brain, but they said it was a short-term fix.  They told us they needed to start the Avastin as quickly as possible.  They normally like to wait 4 weeks after surgery (because it inhibits the ability to heal) but they said they didn't have a choice but to get it started.  So Avastin will help the swelling, the big question is how long.  So eventually all of this will all happen again, and there won't be any "fixes" next time.  That's the part I try not to think about.

That first day in the critical care, he couldn't answer basic questions.  He didn't know the month or year, he couldn't say my name.  The nurse would try to give him options for the answers and tried to get him to show which answer was right with his hand. 

The next day (last Friday), he was able to say my name again, and he seemed much more alert.  He couldn't remember much of the two previous days.  But he still couldn't figure out the month or year.  He would always answer February and 1980... and then couldn't figure out which year in the 1980s.

Our time in the Critical Care was actually entertaining because I knew Jared's nurse.  He was a guy I hung out with in college, and both Jared and Neil remembered him because he was THAT guy at the party that was so loud and funny that you don't forget him.  He kept all of us laughing, which was much-needed at the time.

He stayed in critical care until Saturday night, and then they transferred him to a regular room at Huntsman.

He was making daily improvement, and he got movement back in his right arm.  But reality hit again on Tuesday when the speech therapist came to assess him.  I knew he had been giving short answers, but I didn't realize how severe the problem was.  She asked him what his kids did during the day, and he gave no response.  She asked him a list of questions with short answers, and some of the really easy questions he was missing.  For example, she asked if the lights were on, he responded "no," and they were on.  She also asked him to list as many animals  as he could in one minute, and he couldn't list any.  After the assessment, she explained that some of the neurons in his brain were damaged, and that he needed to re-train the brain to use another path.

I think that was when I shifted gears from "fall-apart mode" to "angry mode."  (Angry probably isn't a strong enough word.)  As if being stuck in a hospital and missing the kids' first day of school and Jace's football games wasn't bad enough, now he didn't have the ability to communicate with our kids, or tell them how he feels about them or how proud he is of them.  And that made me livid.  Is it really too much to ask for Jared to have just a tiny shred of dignity and pride??!!  Angry probably isn't a great place to be, but at least I can function in "angry mode."  I wasn't functioning very well in "fall-apart mode."

When I left Wednesday night, I asked if there was anything I could do for him before I left.  He said, "yes."  I asked what he wanted and he didn't say anything.  I said, "Do you know what you want, but can't figure out how to say it?"  He said, "yes," so I spent 15 minutes playing the guessing game and finally figured out that he wanted me to get him a movie.

He headed to rehab on Thursday.  So far I've seen quite a bit of improvement each day.  He seems to be getting around a little better, and his speech is improving.  His answers are getting a little longer.  He still struggles getting out what he wants to say.  Their goal in rehab is to get him using his right arm to where he can dress himself and function without much help, and to be able to convey what he wants.  Rehab is a SLOW process, so we're hoping he stays on track to come home sometime in the next week.  A couple days ago I was really overwhelmed at the thought of him coming home because he seemed really dependent.  Last night when I was with him, I wasn't as overwhelmed, so that should continue to improve over the next few days.

So that's pretty much the past couple weeks in a nutshell.  And believe it or not, I'm sparing many horrible details.

As a little personal side note (probably too personal), I mentioned that we were with Linda a few hours before she passed away five years ago.  While we were there that night, Jared turned on some music so it wasn't so quiet.  A new song came on by Trace Adkins that I hadn't heard before:

"You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"

I remember looking at Jared's dad as I listened to the words, completely heart-broken for him.  I knew that he had been through so much taking care of her, and that he was completely exhausted.  But I knew he would miss all of it.  Ever since that night I have a hard time listening to that song.  I usually turn the radio station if it comes on.  I heard the song on the radio a couple days ago.  As horrible, stressful, and exhausting as all of this has been, I know that someday I will miss this and want it back.  And to be completely honest - that, too, makes me angry.

Pictures taken from Drew and Averie's short visit.  The picture of Jared giving Averie a kiss is one of my favorites.