Happy Birthday!

Last year I truly believed that Jared would be here today celebrating his 38th Birthday.  Sometimes I think it's good that we don't know everything. :)

 

We had a good celebration in his honor.  We made his favorite cake - lemon with rainbow chip frosting, and everyone who came to celebrate wrote him a little note that we attached to balloons and sent them off to him.  I really hope his mom is spoiling him rotten today for us!  I'm sure she's taking good care of him.

Happy Birthday, Jared!  We miss you!

Gone

Today I was listening to an old CD and it took me back to the first couple years of my marriage.  Life was so care-free.  We were about to have our first baby.  It's hard to fathom how my life went from that to where it is now.  I never imagined Jared would be gone from my life this soon...gone from his kids' lives without the chance to see who they would become.  He wanted that more than anything.  But he's gone.

Luckily I rarely have moments like I had today.  Mostly I just live my life.  But the more time goes on, the more I have psychological issues surface.  I've debated counseling, but I really feel like I'm doing well.  I think the feelings I have are normal.  The first thing was triggered by a nightmare.  I had a dream that as they were about to bury Jared's body, they noticed some signs of life, so they brought him back, but he was in his extremely dependent state.  All of the overwhelmed feelings came back, and then the guilt from feeling overwhelmed.  I think I've been burying a lot of guilt.  I remember when he was the most dependent thinking if I could do what I was doing for another 50 yrs, I would do it for him.  But I was so over my limit, there were days I wondered how I'd even handle another day.  And that's hard to feel like you can't care for your husband anymore.  It creates a lot of guilt.  I guess I share that because it's the truth of what happens in caring for someone under extreme stress for so long.  The second one I just realized recently.  In the hours before we found out Jared had cancer, I was truly happy.  We had a perfect day.  Jared went golfing, and I went to lunch with my friends.  Then we spent the afternoon at the park with the kids and neighbors.  Jared was playing football with Jace, and life was pretty much perfect.  Then he went to the ER and found out he had terminal cancer, and my happiness was shattered.  So now as I see glimpses of happiness again in my life, I have a subconscious worry that the rug is going to get pulled out from under me again.  I hope that time will alleviate these fears or anxieties some.  I'm confident it will.

 

Most of the times I get sad, I get sad for my kids.  I can handle what has happened to me.  But sometimes I feel like my kids deserved more than to have their dad taken from them.  That being said, my kids have been doing incredibly well.  I'm so proud of them!  When I went to Jace's parent/teacher conference a couple weeks ago, the teacher said that he is a completely different kid at school, and that he is doing SO well!  I'm sure my kids were under extreme stress with their dad constantly in and out of the hospital, and their mom juggling going back and forth to the hospital and trying to take care of them.  And they saw him have seizures.  I tried to play them off, but I was stressed, so I'm sure they were as well.  So I feel like we have a good, stable home now.  And I'm happy for that.  That's not to say that I don't think my kids might go through different waves of anger or grief.  I wouldn't doubt that each of them will go through periods of being angry in the future.  But I'm grateful for where they're at right now.  They're good kids.  The other day I asked Averie where her mom was, and she pointed to me.  Then I asked her where her dad was, and she said, "Don't know.  He's gone."  I wonder what is going on in her little brain.  She doesn't know that he would've given anything to stay with her, to watch her grow.  But she's right.  He's gone.

Treasure

One of my favorite movies of all time is "The Count of Monte Cristo."  Edmond Dantes spends years in prison for a crime he didn't commit, and after finally escaping he discovers a hidden treasure and has wealth beyond his wildest dreams.

 

I found my own little hidden treasure last night, only this one is priceless!

 

I had been told by several people that Jared needed to sit down and write letters to his children.  That was always in the plan.  But it didn't happen.  We thought he had more time.  We didn't know he would suddenly lose his ability to communicate.  So many excuses, but unfortunately it didn't happen.  And I've always regretted that.  I wish my kids had something written by their dad to know how much he loved them.  I obviously know how much he loved them, but that won't go very far 2, 10, 30 years from now...

 

Yesterday I was going to get rid of Jared's phone.  For some reason as I went to leave, I went to grab his phone, and I didn't. 

 

As a little side note, I've read a few near-death experience books lately, and they all say the same thing - that those on the other side have a lot more influence in our lives than we realize.  I've had a lot of CRAZY things happen since Jared's passing.  I've even made the comment that I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone.  I'm no longer a believer in chance.  And I don't believe that me not grabbing that phone to get rid of it was just chance.

 

Last night I was talking on the phone with my sister, and at the end of the conversation she mentioned something that her daughter had snapped a picture of off of Jared's phone.  It was a little note he had written to Averie.  I had NO IDEA.  I grabbed his phone and went to his notes, and sure enough, there was a letter he had started to write to Averie.  This is part of it:

 

"Averie,

My sweet sweet girl.  You are so precious and cute.  How I enjoy your sweet spirit...You are always into everything, with a motor that won't quit.  I love it.  Please follow the good example that your older brothers and sister have set for you.  You are loved!  I know you will grow up to be a real contributor to society.  Love your mommy.  She wants nothing but the best for you.  She loves you very much.  I love you too."

 

When did he write this?  Why did he stop with Averie?  Or why did he start with Averie?  Did he suddenly take a turn for the worse?  Or did he write others that got deleted by mistake?  Did he start with her because she is the one that will need this most?  Or is it because she is the one that will remember her daddy the least?

 

Whatever the reasons, one thing I know for certain is that this little note written from her daddy will be something Averie will treasure forever.

Coping

It's been interesting to watch how my kids each cope with the loss of their dad.  I guess I could add myself as well.  Whether we're doing it right or not, it's the only way we know.

 

The few days that Jared was on hospice, I had a social worker come and give me input on what to expect for the different kids.  I was surprised when she said that I will see changes in Averie.  I figured she is so young that she wouldn't be affected.  The social worker told me that even infants demonstrate reactions to loss. 

 

When she checked back with me a couple weeks ago, I told her that I thought as a whole we were doing pretty well.  She asked if Averie had separation anxiety, and I told her that she used to (before he died), and now she doesn't.

 

But these are the things I've noticed in each of the kids:

 

Averie (2) the past couple of weeks has started to panic at bedtime.  She wanted the light to be left on.  Then after a couple days of that, she panicked when I put her in the crib.  She was okay to sleep on the floor, she just didn't want to be in the crib.  My thought is that she is associating that crib with the casket.  She watched as they shut the casket.  She even said, "Bye-bye, dad!" as they shut it, then it was the last time she saw him.  But she can't verbalize the way she feels, so she's probably confused and scared.  So she's now upgraded to a big-girl bed.  She's been doing better, but she still has to have the light on.

 

Drew (4) was really confused at first.  Now he talks about his dad and the situation in a very matter-of-fact manner.  He makes really cute comments.  One day he said, "Mom, I bet when dad died he asked Jesus if he has a basketball hoop."  I told him I'm sure he did!  Another time he was doing something he shouldn't, and I told him to stop or it could kill him.  He said, "But if I die, Jesus will carry me to his house and I can see dad again.  That would be GREAT!"  I laughed.  It's probably the attitude that all of us should have about death.  I told him it would be great, but that I would miss him too much.  Then today I picked he and his friend up from pre-school, and I heard Drew say, "My dad died."  His friend said, "How did he die?"  Drew said, "He just got really sick and died."  His friend said, "So you don't have a dad anymore?"  Drew said, "Nope, but when I die I'll see him again."  I love that kid!  He makes me smile.  I have noticed that he seems to be a little more aggressive and deviant.  Usually if he gets in trouble, he stops because he doesn't like to make me mad.  Now he has an obsession with painting and coloring, and it usually ends up on something it shouldn't!  He promises it won't happen again, but does it every time.

 

Jace (8) was always the one that concerned me the most.  He's the only one I've seen cry.  I think he's bottling a lot.  He has definitely gotten more aggressive, especially with Drew, but I think he's really struggling with finding a connection with someone.  He's battling whether to stay loyal to his dad's sports teams, or to find someone else to cheer with.  He has always been a sports freak like his dad!  He's constantly telling me about a random game he just finished watching, and tries to tell me every little detail, and I don't really care!  But I try to listen because I know he really needs that.  I was even surprised when he told me a couple weeks ago I could get married again as long as it's to Dwyane Wade.  I told him I didn't think Jared would approve. :)  He just misses his sports buddy like crazy!  I think he's feeling the void more than any of the kids right now, which doesn't surprise me.

 

Brynlee (9) has been an absolute rock!  Her concern is more about me.  Last week was my birthday, and she was really worried about who was going to get me presents.  She made a list of special things she was going to do for my big day, and when I ran to the store a couple days before, she called me and asked if I'd be sure to buy the balloons, candles, cake, etc. so she could take care of me.  I am lucky to have her.  She's the one I haven't noticed much change in.  The truth is, I don't think any of my kids will realize what they don't have for a while.  And that makes me sad.

 

As far as myself, I'm not really sure where I'm at.  I don't feel Jared's presence as much as I used to, but I'm still doing okay.  I don't know if I'm in denial, or I just haven't fully realized the gravity of my situation.  I have moments of sadness where I miss him, and I let myself be sad for a minute, but I make myself get over it and move on.  I don't know if that's the right way to cope, but it's how I do it!  I've connected with some amazing people the past few weeks that have lost a spouse, and it's good to have a support group.  One of them told me, "I never felt so low that I didn't feel God's love."  I could say the same.  So I feel very blessed that way.  And we've all had little things happen that we know Jared had a hand in!  I still feel like the veil is thin right now, so I'm trying to soak it in as much as possible.  I know it probably won't last, but I hope it does!  It's nice to feel like we have a guardian angel who is completely invested in our well-being.  I know he is helping me along.

Reflection

A couple months ago, I was having a bad day, and I told Jared that I was worried I was going to get depressed when he was gone.  He said, "You'll be fine.  That's not the kind of person you are."  Those words keep ringing in my ear, and actually help me to try to push through.  I think he would be proud of me.  Well, of all of us.  The kids have been amazing!  They have really stepped up to the plate.  And we've grown so much as a family in this short time. 

I've been trying to stay busy, and I try not to think too much.  The kids give me a huge advantage.  They keep me really busy.  That is REALLY nice!  I also try to go to the gym as much as possible.  That has helped a lot.  There was one day I went to the gym in tears, and after the workout I left feeling okay.  I think the Zoloft is helping as well.  I haven't taken Xanax in almost 3 weeks.  I'm down to 3 pills so I need to use them wisely!!

There are a few observations I've made that I want to share.  I really expected that when Jared died, I would feel extreme loneliness.  I don't.  I feel like he's still with me, only in a different way.  I think the kids have felt his presence as well.  I think that's why they're doing so well. 

The last couple months of Jared's life, he started to get really emotional because he didn't want to leave us.  (Jared NEVER gets emotional, so it was probably the hardest part for me to experience.)  I've told myself that I will be okay once I know for certain he is happy in his "new life."  I know that may take a while for me to understand.  But the thought occurred to me about a week ago that if my biggest preoccupation right now is for him to be happy, wouldn't he want the same thing for me?  So I'm trying to be happy.  I know it won't be the same kind of happy as before, but I'm determined.  I know he would want that.  I try not to think about what my life should be or could be right now, that will drive me crazy.

 

As far as my daily load, it has been lightened dramatically!  I've tried not to think much about the last few months of Jared's life, because it was so hard, and it just wasn't him.  I wouldn't say I miss those days, but I am SOOOOO grateful for them!  I never thought I would say that.  I am so grateful that I got to take care of him that way.  He died knowing that I loved him unconditionally.  And that brings me a lot of peace now.

 

Another reason I'm doing so well is because I have the best support system anybody could possibly ask for!  I have been blown away by everybody - family, friends, neighbors, even people I don't know!  It has been incredible and overwhelming.  I know Jared would be grateful - he wanted us to be taken care of, and we are.  I honestly can't even start naming things because there's just too much.  We feel loved.

 

I won't pretend like I haven't had some rough moments.  It's been horrible cleaning out his stuff.  It's almost like you tell yourself they aren't gone because all of their stuff is still there.  But when you start getting rid of it, the fact the they're not coming back becomes a reality.  The worst one for me was taking all of his work stuff back to his office.  Especially his backpack that had his stuff he used everyday.  It's almost like that backpack became a symbol of my every-day life.  I would be making dinner, and I'd see him pull up in the driveway, the kids would run to greet him, and he'd get out in his nice work clothes and throw that backpack over his shoulder and give the kids a kiss.  That was my life for many years.  I won't get to experience that ever again.

The other thing I don't like is that I've only had a few dreams of him, but they've been nightmares.  Most of them are that we're at the hospital preparing for another brain surgery, and the anxiety that goes along with it.  I hope at some point those nightmares will turn to dreams of him pre-cancer.

I've also noticed that I have a hard time getting out of bed.  If it weren't for the kids needing to get to school, I'd honestly probably stay in bed until 10:30!  It probably doesn't help that Jared's sister, Janette, came and did a makeover to my room and made my bed twice as comfortable!!

If I were to look at my physical reflection in the mirror, I feel like I've aged fifteen years in the past two years.  But if I could look deeper, I would say my growth this past two years is immeasurable.  I have completely been changed by this whole experience, changed for the better.  A couple months after Jared was diagnosed, I was looking at pictures on his phone, and I came across a video of Brynlee's dance rehearsal that I had recorded a few months earlier.  As I watched it, I just wanted to go back in time to that moment, when life was so carefree.  But almost immediately I realized that I would also have to go back to the person I was in that moment, and I didn't want to.  I had already realized a couple months into this journey how much I had grown.  Jared had said the same thing many times.  Cancer had changed him.  It made him a better person.  He had even gone as far as to say he was grateful for it.  As I think of my life right now, in this moment, I feel like cancer completely ruined my life, but it has also made me the person I am now.  And I don't know if I'd change that.  The only thing I can think to compare it to is the church mission I served many years ago.  It was such a hard 18 months, I don't think I could do it again, but I will forever be grateful for that time in my life because of who it made me become.  I could say the same thing about the past two years.  I obviously wish there was another way to grow, one that didn't take my husband away from me and my kids.

I love this picture of Jared.  This was taken about a month before all the craziness.  He was probably in the best shape of his life.  He looks so happy and confident.  When he passed away, he was 50 lbs. lighter and had a huge gaping incision that covered his entire scalp and came across his forehead.  He couldn't walk on his own, and he had a titanium plate replacing part of his skull.  We believe that after we die we will return to our most perfect form.  This is how I picture him to look when I see him again, and if he has a lot of hair, I might have to take some clippers to it! :)

Fair Warning

I was warned that Jared's death would be harder than I could've ever imagined.  I thought I was prepared.  Well, I was wrong.

The first week was actually pretty easy.  Surprisingly easy.  I was so consumed with preparations for the funeral that I was exhaustingly busy.  And we had so much family around all the time that there was never a dull moment.  Not only that, but I had such a feeling of comfort all the time, I knew Jared must have been close by.  I expected to cry myself to sleep, but my bed supplied the most peace of all.  I also felt like he was helping me with decisions, as crazy as that sounds.

One decision that I know he helped me to make was where to bury him.  This was the one huge question I had always had.  I didn't ever ask him.  I was hoping he would bring it up.  After his passing, the only thing that made sense to me was to bury him in the same cemetery as his mom, in Providence, UT.  It is only about 10 miles from my parents' house, and I knew we could go up there every month or two.  My mom, my sister, and I drove up there last Tuesday to pick out a plot.  I woke up with a huge headache, but I knew it needed to be done.  We finally made it to the cemetery after lunch and began looking at what they had available.  It was awful!  There weren't any trees, and there weren't many gravestones around.  It just seemed to be completely isolated.  And it wasn't anywhere near his mom's grave.  I was pushing the horrible feeling I had aside.  I even asked the guy if I could change plots, thinking that would make me feel better, but it didn't.  As we drove to the city building to pay for it, I just felt sick to my stomach.  I was telling myself it was because it was so expensive for such an undesirable location (knowing that the price wasn't ever an issue).  So I paid for it and left with a pit in my stomach.  As we were leaving the valley, I started expressing doubt and my mom and sister insisted that I go check out the Logan Cemetery.  My dad owned quite a few plots there.  Apparently he had been bugging my mom for days to have me check them out, but nobody wanted to say anything because I was so insistent on Providence.  When I saw the spot in the Logan Cemetery, I just KNEW that was the place.  It was a beautiful, shaded area in a beautiful cemetery.  And he wasn't alone!  We had to call the Providence Cemetery to cancel my payment, and made some last-second phone calls to the mortuary and the newspaper to change the obituary.  But it felt right.  I felt like I had a huge weight lifted, and my headache was gone.  My sister says my demeanor completely changed.  So Jared was definitely trying to voice his opinion!!  He will get a lot of love where he's buried - my dad walks through there every day on his way to work, and my mom goes there often.  And it's so close to my parents' house, the kids will be able to go there a lot when we visit family in Logan.

 

On Thursday Jared's brothers, his dad, his friend Brent, and I went to get Jared ready for the viewing.  He looked great!  When he passed away his forehead had a large gaping incision from the most recent surgery that hadn't healed up very well, and they had completely covered it so that it wasn't noticeable.  He looked so much better.  We were all very pleased.  His family had mentioned that there was a special feeling in the room, like his presence was there.  I told them that I didn't feel any different, that the special feeling they felt had been with me consistently since his passing.

 

Later that afternoon my brother told me he had a surprise for me.  He had written to the University of Oregon Athletic Department, and the football team sent my family a game jersey signed by the head coach.  We also received the 2013-14 basketball team shoes, custom-made in Jared's size, along with a basketball signed by the entire team.  What a great keepsake for my boys!  And what a great organization for taking the time to do that for my family!  Jared would be very proud of his Ducks!

 

The viewing and funeral went as well as I could've possibly expected.  We had decided to close the casket the night before the funeral.  I wanted to be able to take our time saying our goodbyes, rather than being rushed right before the funeral.  I'm happy we did it that way.  Brynlee made a book of memories to be buried with her dad, Jace wrote him a letter, and Drew made him the cutest little picture of the two of them holding hands.  I kept a copy of all of it for the kids to keep forever.  We also buried Jared in a Ducks bracelet, and all of us have a matching bracelet.

 

The funeral was very fitting for Jared, full of funny stories.  I didn't have Brynlee on the program, but she insisted that she wanted to talk.  I'm glad she did.  She shared memories that I had forgotten about.  Her talk was very sweet.

 

After the service and a quick lunch, we headed to Logan to the gravesite.  My dad offered the dedicatory prayer on the grave, and that was it.  Right after we left, they buried him.  That part was really hard for me.  I keep having to tell myself that it's just his body that is buried, but his spirit lives on.  It's hard to think I was just with him, breathing, just a few days ago, and now that same body is underground.

 

Sunday night we came home... home to reality.  And it hit HARD.  Sunday night I was having a hard time, and as I tucked Jace in bed, Jace started to cry.  I felt so bad.  I told him that I missed Jared, too, and that after I left, I wanted him to pay close attention to the way he felt, that he would notice a really peaceful feeling come over him.  (It had been that way for me, so I knew that same comfort must be there for the kids as well.)  Monday morning he told me that I was right.

 

Yesterday (Monday) was absolutely awful.  I started having all the feelings that I had been warned about - angry at Jared for leaving me (which surprised me), overwhelmed at the road ahead of me, mad that my kids are left without their dad, extreme loneliness, pretty much complete despair.  But it was weird - until now I'd never experienced complete depression and comfort at the same time.  I still had that element of peace, but overall I would sum up the day as unbearable.  And I was so upset that I didn't care to see or talk to anybody.  Jared's dad came over with his friend, Rex.  Rex lost his wife 4 months ago.  And although I was resistant to seeing him, I was SO glad he came and talked to me.  I was fighting tears the whole conversation, but he gave me hope that things might actually at some point get better.  He told me that the first month was absolutely unbearable, so bad that he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy.  But he said it slowly gets better.  He said that right now he's not exactly happy yet, but at least it's bearable.  As horrible as that sounds, I'm really looking forward to bearable.  What I'm living right now is awful.  Even though Jared was so bad off at the end, and couldn't communicate, at least he could show me he cared by tickling my back or playing with my hair.  I miss that.  I just flat out miss him like crazy.  I really hope this gets easier.

 

Jared's friends that traveled from Oregon.  It was so good to finally meet some
of his buddies from high school that I've heard countless stories about!

 

 

Transition

Jared decided it was time to leave us on Friday, October 18th. 

Thursday night his breathing was much more labored, and in the night I started hearing the rattling sound in his throat, so I knew it would be soon.  I didn't sleep much Thursday night.  Friday morning Jared's sister texted me and asked if Jared was doing the same, or if he was getting worse.  I told her I thought he could pass at any time.  Within a few minutes, most of Jared's family was at my home.  My parents were both there, and my sister and her husband showed up as well.  We had a big group.  The hospice nurse came at 11:00 and checked his vitals.  His heart rate had gone from 120 on Thursday to 24.  So we knew his body was shutting down.  She told us she thought it would be that night or the next morning.  But he went quick.  He passed away a little before 1:00pm, with his sister at his side holding his hand.  We all feel that it was no coincidence that he passed away exactly five years after his mom.  We believe that was her way of showing us she was involved in helping him make the transition.

All of the kids were gone but Drew.  He came home from preschool at 11:00 and he stayed downstairs watching cartoons.  That was a huge blessing not to have any of the kids near.

I had Drew come and give him one last kiss.  He obviously didn't know what was going on. 

I really debated whether to bring the older kids home from school before they took his body.  As he started losing color, I decided not to because I didn't want them to be traumatized.  He didn't look good.  Jared's sister, Marianne, offered a prayer after he passed, and blessed me to know what to do regarding the children.  A little while later I just knew they needed to at least be given the choice.  Jace had been really worried a couple days earlier that Jared was going to die while he was at school, and I knew it would be hard for them if I just brought them home from school telling them that their dad had died, and he was gone.  As I left to go pick them up, my dad grabbed my arm and said, "Leslee, don't tell them he's dead.  Tell them he's dying."  I'm SO grateful for that!  When I picked them up, I told them that we knew dad was about to die, and that I wanted to give them the chance to say goodbye before they took him away.  I warned them that as the body dies, it changes color, and told them he would look very sick and pale.  I told them they didn't have to see him.  They both chose to give him a kiss.  His body was still pretty warm.  My sister-in-law took them to her house afterward so they didn't have to watch his body being taken away.  I truly believe that Marianne's prayer made all the difference.  I feel very at peace with how everything was handled.  And I think my kids had the appropriate closure.  They seem to be doing very well.  Even Jace.

I will always have sweet little memories of my little kids with their dad in his final days.  The last few days before he became bed-ridden, Averie insisted on helping me whenever Jared walked anywhere.  I would hold his left arm, and Averie would run over and grab his right hand.  She would always say, "Help daddy."  It actually made it hard for Jared to walk, and he would try not to trip over her, but I didn't have the heart to tell her no.  It was so sweet.  She wanted to help her daddy.

The day before Jared passed away, Drew went to show daddy his sticker, and he kept trying to wake him up because he really wanted him to see it.  I told Drew to give daddy a little kiss.  He said, "Will that make him wake up?"  I wish, buddy, I wish.  Drew was always making his daddy laugh, and I'm sure Jared would've loved to see his sticker.

 

I should also add that my sister's husband was so sweet to drive down from Logan after my discussion with Jace.  He spent the day with him.  Nick's dad died in a tragic work accident when he was 8, and Nick was the oldest of four kids.  He was the perfect person for Jace to open up to.  He said that Jace's main concerns were that Jared was going to forget him, or that he would forget Jared.  I think it helped Jace to hear about Nick's experience and to know that Nick hasn't forgotten his dad.

Since Jared's passing, we've been reminiscing about how funny he was.  And I've been going through pictures.  I think I had forgotten what a fun person he used to be before cancer.  I'm remembering fun things he used to do with the kids, things I had forgotten about.  His passing has allowed me to do that.  He's no longer stricken with cancer.  I think that's why I've been so at peace.  He is now himself again.  And I'm so happy for him! 

Brynlee's question the other day has gotten me thinking.  I've never really given deep consideration as to why Jared got cancer, but I needed to figure it out to be able to give my kids an honest, well thought-out answer.

 

For some reason this past few days of thinking, and reading thoughts and comments from those who knew him, that answer suddenly became pretty clear.

 

Jared had lived such a good, decent life, that our Heavenly Father knew he could trust Jared to be a tool to influence others' lives for good by going through these past two years, and handling it with such dignity, grace, courage, and humor.  Jared taught me a lot through his battle.

 

Jared never complained.  He would get REALLY frustrated with his lack of ability, but he never complained.  When I talked to him about it a couple months ago, he said he learned from his Grandpa (who died of lung cancer) that you "take it like a man, and you don't complain."

 

He also proved that addiction can be overcome.  He was on steroids for 9 months.  His body became completely dependent on them.  And he HATED that.  He hated feeling addicted to something.  So he was determined to get off of them.  It took MONTHS of struggle and determination, but he did it.  His doctors were amazed.  They said that most people aren't willing to deal with the horrible side effects of getting off of them.  But he did it.  I remember one day in particular that he was suffering horrible side effects from tapering, and we took the kids to Hogle Zoo.  He had to sit and rest every few minutes because it was so hard for him.  He could've taken more steroids that day and felt great, but he was determined. 

 

I also loved that he joked about his cancer.  If he forgot something or couldn't come up with an answer, he would blame it on the brain tumor.  He also told me that one time at work, a guy from the FDIC was telling a story, and said that somebody had...  and then he didn't finish the sentence, so Jared figured out that he was afraid to say the word cancer around him.  He said it was so awkward!  Jared never understood why people would tip-toe around the subject.  He didn't let cancer define who he was.

 

I've also realized that the reason I've been able to endure this trial well was because HE did... period. 

 

If the whole purpose of life is to endure to the end well, Jared endured like a champ!  What a wonderful legacy he left for me and the kids, and I'm so grateful for that!

 

I take such comfort in knowing what a good person he was.  And I wasn't afraid of his death.  And that's the greatest gift he could've possibly given me.  I think there's a huge lesson to be learned there, too, for all of us.