Today I was listening to an old CD and it took me back to the first couple years of my marriage. Life was so care-free. We were about to have our first baby. It's hard to fathom how my life went from that to where it is now. I never imagined Jared would be gone from my life this soon...gone from his kids' lives without the chance to see who they would become. He wanted that more than anything. But he's gone.
Luckily I rarely have moments like I had today. Mostly I just live my life. But the more time goes on, the more I have psychological issues surface. I've debated counseling, but I really feel like I'm doing well. I think the feelings I have are normal. The first thing was triggered by a nightmare. I had a dream that as they were about to bury Jared's body, they noticed some signs of life, so they brought him back, but he was in his extremely dependent state. All of the overwhelmed feelings came back, and then the guilt from feeling overwhelmed. I think I've been burying a lot of guilt. I remember when he was the most dependent thinking if I could do what I was doing for another 50 yrs, I would do it for him. But I was so over my limit, there were days I wondered how I'd even handle another day. And that's hard to feel like you can't care for your husband anymore. It creates a lot of guilt. I guess I share that because it's the truth of what happens in caring for someone under extreme stress for so long. The second one I just realized recently. In the hours before we found out Jared had cancer, I was truly happy. We had a perfect day. Jared went golfing, and I went to lunch with my friends. Then we spent the afternoon at the park with the kids and neighbors. Jared was playing football with Jace, and life was pretty much perfect. Then he went to the ER and found out he had terminal cancer, and my happiness was shattered. So now as I see glimpses of happiness again in my life, I have a subconscious worry that the rug is going to get pulled out from under me again. I hope that time will alleviate these fears or anxieties some. I'm confident it will.
Most of the times I get sad, I get sad for my kids. I can handle what has happened to me. But sometimes I feel like my kids deserved more than to have their dad taken from them. That being said, my kids have been doing incredibly well. I'm so proud of them! When I went to Jace's parent/teacher conference a couple weeks ago, the teacher said that he is a completely different kid at school, and that he is doing SO well! I'm sure my kids were under extreme stress with their dad constantly in and out of the hospital, and their mom juggling going back and forth to the hospital and trying to take care of them. And they saw him have seizures. I tried to play them off, but I was stressed, so I'm sure they were as well. So I feel like we have a good, stable home now. And I'm happy for that. That's not to say that I don't think my kids might go through different waves of anger or grief. I wouldn't doubt that each of them will go through periods of being angry in the future. But I'm grateful for where they're at right now. They're good kids. The other day I asked Averie where her mom was, and she pointed to me. Then I asked her where her dad was, and she said, "Don't know. He's gone." I wonder what is going on in her little brain. She doesn't know that he would've given anything to stay with her, to watch her grow. But she's right. He's gone.
