I am WAY overdue for an update! Life has gotten easier in some ways, and harder in others. Averie is getting so big and changing so much. She's the one that makes me the saddest, because Jared would have absolutely loved her little personality and how busy she is. He was always asking me to send him pictures and videos of the kids while he was at work. Then he would reply, "Man, I miss those little stinkers!" He loved our little kiddos.
I've adjusted to life without him, so in that way it's easier. I can't imagine anything harder than the days that I was taking care of my four kids + my sick husband. That's what pulled me through those first few months - the relief of Jared not being sick anymore. But now the memories are coming back of our life pre-cancer. So that's hard. I've had people ask how often I miss him. There's not really a how often, I feel like I just live my life, then sometimes I will hear a song or see something that will jog a memory and it's really hard, almost unbearable. I don't miss him because I'm lonely, I miss him as a person. I miss how funny he was, I miss how he was always up for a good time, I miss how he interacted with his family, I even miss how pesty he was.
I felt Jared's presence a lot the first couple months after he died. Even though that is gone, I still have moments where I know he is still there and still cares about us. He's still in the details.
When Jared died, I didn't feel broken or confused about what to do next. I credit him 100% for that. He had the hard conversations with me, and I'm SO grateful for that! He told me what he wanted for me and the kids, and what his concerns were. When his cancer came back, he told me that he wanted me to get married again...that he wanted the kids to have a dad. At the time I broke down and didn't want to even think about him being gone. But he knew that we were better off not being alone. And he was so unselfish to not only want that for me, but to share that with me. It still makes me emotional to think how hard that was for him to think about. But it has absolutely helped me to move forward. I've tried to think about what I would want for him if I was in his shoes... would I be jealous? Would I want him to be with someone that wasn't as great as me? :) But I realized that I would want him to be with someone that deserved him... someone that was fantastic that made him happy. I would want the absolute BEST for him because he was such an amazing person.
I have been dating someone. He's a guy that used to live in our neighborhood. He has four kids. He moved away after his wife passed away three years ago. Jared knew and liked him. He even went to his wife's funeral. I've been really open with my kids. I told them that dad wanted me to find someone and get married because he knew there were things that a man can do for them that I can't. Not only that, but my kids need to grow up seeing what a marriage is. So I told them I was dating him to see if he was good enough for us. :) It's hard to know if Jared would approve. But I've had some little experiences along the way. I had a dream one night that Jared was alive and well, he knew I was dating him, and he was counseling me. I remember I asked him, "Yeah, but what if it was you and you knew you were going to have 8 kids?" (I KNEW he would say he couldn't do it.) But instead he was trying to ease my mind about it. Another time I went to fill up the tank of gas for the lawn mower. A guy walked across the gas station and insisted on helping me. My son opened the door and for some reason said, "My dad died." I was so embarrassed! I knew it was going to create an awkward conversation! But the guy told me that he had married a widow with four kids, and he started giving me lots of counsel on how to know if the new guy is the "right one." The way that it all happened, I just KNEW that Jared had sent that guy over to talk to me! He's become very creative in his ways to communicate with me. So I know he's still there, even though we can't see him. But it's been weird, different, and fun to date again. Definitely more things to figure out, and the pressure that I need to be careful because I've got Jared's precious little ones that he has trusted me with. I don't want to disappoint him. But it's also nice to be able to be with someone that understands losing a spouse.
The kids and I went to Oregon in June. It was Jared's dream vacation. I tried to enjoy it extra for him. We drove by the house he grew up in, and I realized that not only did that place have special memories for him, but that was also the place that we got engaged. But of all the things we did, I think Jared would've been most proud of this... (pics coming soon - I can't get them to upload!)
Anyway, that's the past few months!
