Lots to catch up on... Jared was released from the hospital a couple weeks ago on oxygen. He didn't need it all the time, just sometimes at night and when he walked a lot. I started the process of filing Long-Term Disability, which has actually been a big relief for many reasons. We've been trying to plan a trip to Oregon (Jared has been dying to go back for a couple years now, he's just never had enough time off work), so that will probably happen sometime soon, but I told him he has to have at least a good five-day stretch before we go anywhere! And so far, there's always been some sort of concern. I've mentioned that his incision had been concerning me for a while now. Well, it started to split again last week. So last Friday I was calling his doctor's office to get him in because I knew it was either that or an ER visit over the weekend. And sure enough, he was admitted again in the hospital. We had to wait all weekend for his neurosurgeon to even look at it. So now we've learned not to ever do anything until Mondays, because it's pointless to sit in a hospital all weekend. They finally decided on Tuesday that he needed surgery again, which he had yesterday. But to back up a little, on Sunday when I got to the hospital the Cardio team was talking to him, which I knew couldn't be good. We found out that his clots in his leg have grown, and they recommended putting a filter in so that the clots wouldn't break off and kill him. So he had surgery on Monday to place the filter. Yesterday he had another surgery on his head to once again clean out the area and stitch it back up. They told us that they did find some infection again. They involved the plastic surgery doctors this time to try to get the skin so that it won't pull apart again. They made the incisions much larger this time so they would have more skin to adjust to relieve the spot that keeps pulling apart. The plastic surgeon showed me some really graphic pictures that were taken during surgery. We had also found out a couple weeks ago that Jared's skull at the top has been removed permanently and replaced with titanium mesh. I could see the the titanium in the pictures I was shown. Luckily I'm not near as queezy with that stuff as I was two years ago!! This morning when I got to the hospital, the plastic surgeon was re-wrapping his head so I snuck a couple pictures of his incision. The resident doctor had wrapped it so tight after surgery that he had a major headache and his eyes are all bruised now. He's felt horrible all day today. He's been in a lot of pain and he's been really nauseous. Here are the new pictures:
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| The kids spent Wed. night at the hospital with their dad before he went to surgery Thursday. |
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| This was right after surgery. One of the doctors got really creative making a holder for the drain. (Yes, that's blood.) |
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| The incision now comes all the way across his forehead. |
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| Incision from the back |
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| Black eyes from the bandage being too tight. |
I've had a lot if time this week to reflect on our situation, and realized that most of our stress, trials, setbacks, or whatever you want to call them, have been caused by treatment, and not the cancer itself. Had we left his original tumor untreated, he wouldn't have had the enormous physical setbacks, the infection that led to several months of additional swelling, medications, seizures, additional setbacks with blood clots, dependency on steroids, further physical setbacks, and then obviously everything that has occurred these past few months, which have pretty much been cause for daily struggle. He could've actually enjoyed his life, rather than this past two years of continuous struggle and setback. Even had we just radiated the tumor without removing it, his quality of life would've been fantastic in comparison. But in my time of reflection, I've also recognized that every decision we've made has been with careful thought and prayer, not only from us, but from others on our behalf.
So my conclusion is that there is a purpose for all of this, and the purpose must be to help us to learn. So I've tried to focus lately on what I've learned.
I've learned that I'm stronger than I had ever imagined. I've learned that life without health concerns is really pretty darn easy! I've learned that money isn't important, and that family is very important. I've learned that when life doesn't go our way, we can kick and scream and complain, or even point fingers and blame, but ultimately that's not the person I want to be, nor is it the example I want to be for my kids. I've learned that smiling and laughing makes me feel better than the alternative. I've learned that my life could be SO MUCH WORSE (Spending lots of time in the hospital will do that - you see lots of people with various health problems). And I've learned what a truly incredible person Jared is. It makes me sad to watch such a good person suffer.
But there's another thing I've learned that I've thought a lot about. There was a talk given almost a year ago in our church's General Conference. Elder Rasband (who we like a lot anyway because he was Jared's Mission President) gave a talk about helping others in their time of need. He said, "If you come upon a person who is drowning, would you ask if they need help - or would it be better to just jump in and save them from the deepening waters? The offer, while well meaning and often given, 'Let me know if I can help' is really no help at all."
I've thought about that statement a lot lately. I've realized that there are many who offer, and there are many who just do. I've always been somebody who just offers help, but I've realized in our situation that the people who "just do" are the difference-makers. We've been the recipients of so much service, and although I hate feeling dependent on others, or as I call it - "needy," I haven't had a choice. And through the generosity and service of others, I've learned a lot more about the person I need to be, and that I need to be one of those people that jumps in and saves someone who is drowning, rather than waiting for the call for help.
