On February 2, 2009 I was doing a game on Facebook that was 25 Things About Me. I wrote, "I worry about being a widow at a young age because of my husband's horrible diet that he refuses to change!"
When I read this it makes me sick. At the time I wrote it, I do remember I was worried about Jared's diet. Shortly after that he started to change his diet and became more healthy. But when I said young age I was meaning 60s, maybe even 70s? I still consider that a young widow. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think to myself this is the face of a widow? It still sometimes doesn't seem real. Widows are supposed to be elderly. They are supposed to have grandkids. A couple weeks ago I went to a Womens Session for Conference in our church. I was by myself but the place was completely full of women. They played a video of a couple that gets married, then it shows them with a little baby, then eventually it shows them as an old couple together. At first it made me angry and I watched some of the women around me wiping away tears at how beautiful life is. After the video I burst into tears. That was supposed to be my life. But as I have these moments of weakness, I realize that none of us are exempt from some of the hardships that life might throw at us. I know women are left alone to raise their children. I just never thought I would be one of them.
So as I live the reality of being a widow, I feel very inadequate in some things, but I also feel very blessed. I finally paid off all of my medical bills that weren't supposed to be my responsibility. But I hated that I never wanted to get my mail for fear of what was going to be in there. I no longer have anxiety going to my mailbox! I also spent months with no TV in my bedroom because I didn't know how to program the remote. That was always Jared's job. And I knew it took him a long time to figure it out. Sometimes he was on the phone for hours with a technician. I finally decided to try it. I googled some answers and finally figured it out. So I get to unwind in bed again watching my favorite shows. That has actually made a huge difference. I can't believe I went 5 months without that! I'm also learning to enjoy things like edging the lawn - things I always considered to be a "man's job." But there are times when things happen that I really just can't do on my own. A couple nights ago we had a strong windstorm that was blowing my fence over. It had already snapped one section of fence. Two others were hanging and threatening to break my shrubs and trees, so I struggled to break them the other direction against the wind. But the remaining fence didn't look good, and I was worried the whole thing was going to come down. I called a neighbor, Brett, who came and braced it for the rest of the night. The next day I had many guys in the neighborhood approach me offering to fix the fence. The old posts have already been dug out, and supplies have been purchased. A group is coming tonight to fix the fence. In James 1:27 it says "to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction..." As all of these neighbors came rushing to my aid, I was so extremely grateful for their help. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by so many caring, good people. But it musters up all of these feelings again at the reality that I AM THAT WIDOW that needs help, a 36-year-old widow with four little kids and my whole life still ahead of me. AAAHHHH!
