I was warned that Jared's death would be harder than I could've ever imagined. I thought I was prepared. Well, I was wrong.
The first week was actually pretty easy. Surprisingly easy. I was so consumed with preparations for the funeral that I was exhaustingly busy. And we had so much family around all the time that there was never a dull moment. Not only that, but I had such a feeling of comfort all the time, I knew Jared must have been close by. I expected to cry myself to sleep, but my bed supplied the most peace of all. I also felt like he was helping me with decisions, as crazy as that sounds.
One decision that I know he helped me to make was where to bury him. This was the one huge question I had always had. I didn't ever ask him. I was hoping he would bring it up. After his passing, the only thing that made sense to me was to bury him in the same cemetery as his mom, in Providence, UT. It is only about 10 miles from my parents' house, and I knew we could go up there every month or two. My mom, my sister, and I drove up there last Tuesday to pick out a plot. I woke up with a huge headache, but I knew it needed to be done. We finally made it to the cemetery after lunch and began looking at what they had available. It was awful! There weren't any trees, and there weren't many gravestones around. It just seemed to be completely isolated. And it wasn't anywhere near his mom's grave. I was pushing the horrible feeling I had aside. I even asked the guy if I could change plots, thinking that would make me feel better, but it didn't. As we drove to the city building to pay for it, I just felt sick to my stomach. I was telling myself it was because it was so expensive for such an undesirable location (knowing that the price wasn't ever an issue). So I paid for it and left with a pit in my stomach. As we were leaving the valley, I started expressing doubt and my mom and sister insisted that I go check out the Logan Cemetery. My dad owned quite a few plots there. Apparently he had been bugging my mom for days to have me check them out, but nobody wanted to say anything because I was so insistent on Providence. When I saw the spot in the Logan Cemetery, I just KNEW that was the place. It was a beautiful, shaded area in a beautiful cemetery. And he wasn't alone! We had to call the Providence Cemetery to cancel my payment, and made some last-second phone calls to the mortuary and the newspaper to change the obituary. But it felt right. I felt like I had a huge weight lifted, and my headache was gone. My sister says my demeanor completely changed. So Jared was definitely trying to voice his opinion!! He will get a lot of love where he's buried - my dad walks through there every day on his way to work, and my mom goes there often. And it's so close to my parents' house, the kids will be able to go there a lot when we visit family in Logan.
On Thursday Jared's brothers, his dad, his friend Brent, and I went to get Jared ready for the viewing. He looked great! When he passed away his forehead had a large gaping incision from the most recent surgery that hadn't healed up very well, and they had completely covered it so that it wasn't noticeable. He looked so much better. We were all very pleased. His family had mentioned that there was a special feeling in the room, like his presence was there. I told them that I didn't feel any different, that the special feeling they felt had been with me consistently since his passing.
Later that afternoon my brother told me he had a surprise for me. He had written to the University of Oregon Athletic Department, and the football team sent my family a game jersey signed by the head coach. We also received the 2013-14 basketball team shoes, custom-made in Jared's size, along with a basketball signed by the entire team. What a great keepsake for my boys! And what a great organization for taking the time to do that for my family! Jared would be very proud of his Ducks!
The viewing and funeral went as well as I could've possibly expected. We had decided to close the casket the night before the funeral. I wanted to be able to take our time saying our goodbyes, rather than being rushed right before the funeral. I'm happy we did it that way. Brynlee made a book of memories to be buried with her dad, Jace wrote him a letter, and Drew made him the cutest little picture of the two of them holding hands. I kept a copy of all of it for the kids to keep forever. We also buried Jared in a Ducks bracelet, and all of us have a matching bracelet.
The funeral was very fitting for Jared, full of funny stories. I didn't have Brynlee on the program, but she insisted that she wanted to talk. I'm glad she did. She shared memories that I had forgotten about. Her talk was very sweet.
After the service and a quick lunch, we headed to Logan to the gravesite. My dad offered the dedicatory prayer on the grave, and that was it. Right after we left, they buried him. That part was really hard for me. I keep having to tell myself that it's just his body that is buried, but his spirit lives on. It's hard to think I was just with him, breathing, just a few days ago, and now that same body is underground.
Sunday night we came home... home to reality. And it hit HARD. Sunday night I was having a hard time, and as I tucked Jace in bed, Jace started to cry. I felt so bad. I told him that I missed Jared, too, and that after I left, I wanted him to pay close attention to the way he felt, that he would notice a really peaceful feeling come over him. (It had been that way for me, so I knew that same comfort must be there for the kids as well.) Monday morning he told me that I was right.
Yesterday (Monday) was absolutely awful. I started having all the feelings that I had been warned about - angry at Jared for leaving me (which surprised me), overwhelmed at the road ahead of me, mad that my kids are left without their dad, extreme loneliness, pretty much complete despair. But it was weird - until now I'd never experienced complete depression and comfort at the same time. I still had that element of peace, but overall I would sum up the day as unbearable. And I was so upset that I didn't care to see or talk to anybody. Jared's dad came over with his friend, Rex. Rex lost his wife 4 months ago. And although I was resistant to seeing him, I was SO glad he came and talked to me. I was fighting tears the whole conversation, but he gave me hope that things might actually at some point get better. He told me that the first month was absolutely unbearable, so bad that he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy. But he said it slowly gets better. He said that right now he's not exactly happy yet, but at least it's bearable. As horrible as that sounds, I'm really looking forward to bearable. What I'm living right now is awful. Even though Jared was so bad off at the end, and couldn't communicate, at least he could show me he cared by tickling my back or playing with my hair. I miss that. I just flat out miss him like crazy. I really hope this gets easier.
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| Jared's friends that traveled from Oregon. It was so good to finally meet some of his buddies from high school that I've heard countless stories about! |
