A couple months ago, I was having a bad day, and I told Jared that I was worried I was going to get depressed when he was gone. He said, "You'll be fine. That's not the kind of person you are." Those words keep ringing in my ear, and actually help me to try to push through. I think he would be proud of me. Well, of all of us. The kids have been amazing! They have really stepped up to the plate. And we've grown so much as a family in this short time.
I've been trying to stay busy, and I try not to think too much. The kids give me a huge advantage. They keep me really busy. That is REALLY nice! I also try to go to the gym as much as possible. That has helped a lot. There was one day I went to the gym in tears, and after the workout I left feeling okay. I think the Zoloft is helping as well. I haven't taken Xanax in almost 3 weeks. I'm down to 3 pills so I need to use them wisely!!
There are a few observations I've made that I want to share. I really expected that when Jared died, I would feel extreme loneliness. I don't. I feel like he's still with me, only in a different way. I think the kids have felt his presence as well. I think that's why they're doing so well.
The last couple months of Jared's life, he started to get really emotional because he didn't want to leave us. (Jared NEVER gets emotional, so it was probably the hardest part for me to experience.) I've told myself that I will be okay once I know for certain he is happy in his "new life." I know that may take a while for me to understand. But the thought occurred to me about a week ago that if my biggest preoccupation right now is for him to be happy, wouldn't he want the same thing for me? So I'm trying to be happy. I know it won't be the same kind of happy as before, but I'm determined. I know he would want that. I try not to think about what my life should be or could be right now, that will drive me crazy.
As far as my daily load, it has been lightened dramatically! I've tried not to think much about the last few months of Jared's life, because it was so hard, and it just wasn't him. I wouldn't say I miss those days, but I am SOOOOO grateful for them! I never thought I would say that. I am so grateful that I got to take care of him that way. He died knowing that I loved him unconditionally. And that brings me a lot of peace now.
Another reason I'm doing so well is because I have the best support system anybody could possibly ask for! I have been blown away by everybody - family, friends, neighbors, even people I don't know! It has been incredible and overwhelming. I know Jared would be grateful - he wanted us to be taken care of, and we are. I honestly can't even start naming things because there's just too much. We feel loved.
I won't pretend like I haven't had some rough moments. It's been horrible cleaning out his stuff. It's almost like you tell yourself they aren't gone because all of their stuff is still there. But when you start getting rid of it, the fact the they're not coming back becomes a reality. The worst one for me was taking all of his work stuff back to his office. Especially his backpack that had his stuff he used everyday. It's almost like that backpack became a symbol of my every-day life. I would be making dinner, and I'd see him pull up in the driveway, the kids would run to greet him, and he'd get out in his nice work clothes and throw that backpack over his shoulder and give the kids a kiss. That was my life for many years. I won't get to experience that ever again.
The other thing I don't like is that I've only had a few dreams of him, but they've been nightmares. Most of them are that we're at the hospital preparing for another brain surgery, and the anxiety that goes along with it. I hope at some point those nightmares will turn to dreams of him pre-cancer.
I've also noticed that I have a hard time getting out of bed. If it weren't for the kids needing to get to school, I'd honestly probably stay in bed until 10:30! It probably doesn't help that Jared's sister, Janette, came and did a makeover to my room and made my bed twice as comfortable!!
If I were to look at my physical reflection in the mirror, I feel like I've aged fifteen years in the past two years. But if I could look deeper, I would say my growth this past two years is immeasurable. I have completely been changed by this whole experience, changed for the better. A couple months after Jared was diagnosed, I was looking at pictures on his phone, and I came across a video of Brynlee's dance rehearsal that I had recorded a few months earlier. As I watched it, I just wanted to go back in time to that moment, when life was so carefree. But almost immediately I realized that I would also have to go back to the person I was in that moment, and I didn't want to. I had already realized a couple months into this journey how much I had grown. Jared had said the same thing many times. Cancer had changed him. It made him a better person. He had even gone as far as to say he was grateful for it. As I think of my life right now, in this moment, I feel like cancer completely ruined my life, but it has also made me the person I am now. And I don't know if I'd change that. The only thing I can think to compare it to is the church mission I served many years ago. It was such a hard 18 months, I don't think I could do it again, but I will forever be grateful for that time in my life because of who it made me become. I could say the same thing about the past two years. I obviously wish there was another way to grow, one that didn't take my husband away from me and my kids.
I love this picture of Jared. This was taken about a month before all the craziness. He was probably in the best shape of his life. He looks so happy and confident. When he passed away, he was 50 lbs. lighter and had a huge gaping incision that covered his entire scalp and came across his forehead. He couldn't walk on his own, and he had a titanium plate replacing part of his skull. We believe that after we die we will return to our most perfect form. This is how I picture him to look when I see him again, and if he has a lot of hair, I might have to take some clippers to it! :)
The other thing I don't like is that I've only had a few dreams of him, but they've been nightmares. Most of them are that we're at the hospital preparing for another brain surgery, and the anxiety that goes along with it. I hope at some point those nightmares will turn to dreams of him pre-cancer.
I've also noticed that I have a hard time getting out of bed. If it weren't for the kids needing to get to school, I'd honestly probably stay in bed until 10:30! It probably doesn't help that Jared's sister, Janette, came and did a makeover to my room and made my bed twice as comfortable!!
If I were to look at my physical reflection in the mirror, I feel like I've aged fifteen years in the past two years. But if I could look deeper, I would say my growth this past two years is immeasurable. I have completely been changed by this whole experience, changed for the better. A couple months after Jared was diagnosed, I was looking at pictures on his phone, and I came across a video of Brynlee's dance rehearsal that I had recorded a few months earlier. As I watched it, I just wanted to go back in time to that moment, when life was so carefree. But almost immediately I realized that I would also have to go back to the person I was in that moment, and I didn't want to. I had already realized a couple months into this journey how much I had grown. Jared had said the same thing many times. Cancer had changed him. It made him a better person. He had even gone as far as to say he was grateful for it. As I think of my life right now, in this moment, I feel like cancer completely ruined my life, but it has also made me the person I am now. And I don't know if I'd change that. The only thing I can think to compare it to is the church mission I served many years ago. It was such a hard 18 months, I don't think I could do it again, but I will forever be grateful for that time in my life because of who it made me become. I could say the same thing about the past two years. I obviously wish there was another way to grow, one that didn't take my husband away from me and my kids.
I love this picture of Jared. This was taken about a month before all the craziness. He was probably in the best shape of his life. He looks so happy and confident. When he passed away, he was 50 lbs. lighter and had a huge gaping incision that covered his entire scalp and came across his forehead. He couldn't walk on his own, and he had a titanium plate replacing part of his skull. We believe that after we die we will return to our most perfect form. This is how I picture him to look when I see him again, and if he has a lot of hair, I might have to take some clippers to it! :)
