It's been interesting to watch how my kids each cope with the loss of their dad. I guess I could add myself as well. Whether we're doing it right or not, it's the only way we know.
The few days that Jared was on hospice, I had a social worker come and give me input on what to expect for the different kids. I was surprised when she said that I will see changes in Averie. I figured she is so young that she wouldn't be affected. The social worker told me that even infants demonstrate reactions to loss.
When she checked back with me a couple weeks ago, I told her that I thought as a whole we were doing pretty well. She asked if Averie had separation anxiety, and I told her that she used to (before he died), and now she doesn't.
But these are the things I've noticed in each of the kids:
Averie (2) the past couple of weeks has started to panic at bedtime. She wanted the light to be left on. Then after a couple days of that, she panicked when I put her in the crib. She was okay to sleep on the floor, she just didn't want to be in the crib. My thought is that she is associating that crib with the casket. She watched as they shut the casket. She even said, "Bye-bye, dad!" as they shut it, then it was the last time she saw him. But she can't verbalize the way she feels, so she's probably confused and scared. So she's now upgraded to a big-girl bed. She's been doing better, but she still has to have the light on.
Drew (4) was really confused at first. Now he talks about his dad and the situation in a very matter-of-fact manner. He makes really cute comments. One day he said, "Mom, I bet when dad died he asked Jesus if he has a basketball hoop." I told him I'm sure he did! Another time he was doing something he shouldn't, and I told him to stop or it could kill him. He said, "But if I die, Jesus will carry me to his house and I can see dad again. That would be GREAT!" I laughed. It's probably the attitude that all of us should have about death. I told him it would be great, but that I would miss him too much. Then today I picked he and his friend up from pre-school, and I heard Drew say, "My dad died." His friend said, "How did he die?" Drew said, "He just got really sick and died." His friend said, "So you don't have a dad anymore?" Drew said, "Nope, but when I die I'll see him again." I love that kid! He makes me smile. I have noticed that he seems to be a little more aggressive and deviant. Usually if he gets in trouble, he stops because he doesn't like to make me mad. Now he has an obsession with painting and coloring, and it usually ends up on something it shouldn't! He promises it won't happen again, but does it every time.
Jace (8) was always the one that concerned me the most. He's the only one I've seen cry. I think he's bottling a lot. He has definitely gotten more aggressive, especially with Drew, but I think he's really struggling with finding a connection with someone. He's battling whether to stay loyal to his dad's sports teams, or to find someone else to cheer with. He has always been a sports freak like his dad! He's constantly telling me about a random game he just finished watching, and tries to tell me every little detail, and I don't really care! But I try to listen because I know he really needs that. I was even surprised when he told me a couple weeks ago I could get married again as long as it's to Dwyane Wade. I told him I didn't think Jared would approve. :) He just misses his sports buddy like crazy! I think he's feeling the void more than any of the kids right now, which doesn't surprise me.
Brynlee (9) has been an absolute rock! Her concern is more about me. Last week was my birthday, and she was really worried about who was going to get me presents. She made a list of special things she was going to do for my big day, and when I ran to the store a couple days before, she called me and asked if I'd be sure to buy the balloons, candles, cake, etc. so she could take care of me. I am lucky to have her. She's the one I haven't noticed much change in. The truth is, I don't think any of my kids will realize what they don't have for a while. And that makes me sad.
As far as myself, I'm not really sure where I'm at. I don't feel Jared's presence as much as I used to, but I'm still doing okay. I don't know if I'm in denial, or I just haven't fully realized the gravity of my situation. I have moments of sadness where I miss him, and I let myself be sad for a minute, but I make myself get over it and move on. I don't know if that's the right way to cope, but it's how I do it! I've connected with some amazing people the past few weeks that have lost a spouse, and it's good to have a support group. One of them told me, "I never felt so low that I didn't feel God's love." I could say the same. So I feel very blessed that way. And we've all had little things happen that we know Jared had a hand in! I still feel like the veil is thin right now, so I'm trying to soak it in as much as possible. I know it probably won't last, but I hope it does! It's nice to feel like we have a guardian angel who is completely invested in our well-being. I know he is helping me along.
